Garrison, moments after his first body-bag request in 1984.

Wheeling, WV — Shaking her head and fighting off tears, the mother of Karate Kid actor Rob Garrison bought her son a body bag for his birthday for the 23rd straight year. The bag, which was purchased from Gary’s Crime Scene Outlet on Tuesday, had been loudly requested by the former teen actor during a contentious phone conversation with Cynthia Garrison back in June.

Garrison, who acted in small roles in a number of 80’s films, received his big break in 1984 when he was cast as the easily excitable Cobra Kai henchman Tommy in the wildly successful film The Karate Kid. The young actor made his most indelible mark on the film during a scene in which a red-faced and smiling Tommy maniacally yells “Get him a body bag! Yeah!” (click here) following an illegal leg strike against the film’s hero, Daniel Larusso.

Continue reading →

The Cowboy Way
Release Date: June 3, 1994
Starring: Woody Harrelson, Kiefer Sutherland, Dylan McDermott
SW Grade: Worse Than a Surprise C-section

A fish out of water tale. That’s what people in the film industry call the type of story that takes a character and places him or her into an environment totally foreign—and often comically strange—to them. It worked wonderfully in Crocodile Dundee. Aussie Paul Hogan never looked or sounded more whacky than while walking down the back alleys of NYC in a leather vest and smile. It worked even better in Back to the Future. Michael J. Fox kissing his mom? What will they think of next? And don’t even get me started on Sylvester Stallone and Estelle Getty in Stop! Or My Mom Will Shoot.

Released in 1994, The Cowboy Way is yet another fine example of the “fish out of water” approach to filmmaking. The fish: two rodeo cowboys. The foreign environment: New York City. I know, I know. Cue the never-ending comedy.

Continue reading →

Seagal attempts to show a bar patron how to snap his own wrist without spilling his drink.

Vancouver, BC – With his latest action film Fight War on a two-day hiatus as producers attempt to obtain more funding, actor Steven Seagal spent Tuesday teaching unsuspecting Vancouver residents how to bend their arms and legs unnaturally behind their bodies.

Seagal’s unsolicited arm-bending demonstrations — based largely on a series of moves he perfected in his early action films — began when the cult-movie action star engaged local software engineer Bill McCollough outside a local Starbucks.

“I had just picked up an iced coffee when this obese guy with a pony tail grabs my arm and says ‘wanna see something cool?'” said a visibly shaken McCollough, his shirt sleeve covered in blood and bone splinters. “Before I could even answer, my coffee is on the ground and my elbow is touching the back of my neck.”

Continue reading →

Satisfaction
Release Date: February 12, 1988
Starring: Justine Bateman, Liam Neeson, Julia Roberts
SW Grade: Slightly Fucking Awesome

What would we do baby, without us?
What would we do baby, without us?
And there ain’t not nothin’ we can’t pull each other through.
What would we do baby, without us?
Sha na na na.

If you are anything like me, hearing that collection of broken grammar and hippie half-speak sung over two decades ago signified the highlight of your week. That spine-tingling moment when Mallory Keaton, a.k.a. Justine Bateman, walked into your life for a 30 minute burst of laughter and beauty on the ABC hit-com Family Ties. Sure, Michael J. Fox had the legions of fans. Sure, Michael Gross had the natural dramatic ability. Sure, Tina Yothers had…she had…well…okay, Tina Yothers brought everybody down. But the show was—and will always be—about that enigma in leg warmers, Mallory.

Continue reading →

Over the Top
Release Date: February 13, 1987
Starring: Sylvester Stallone, Robert Loggia, David Mendenhall
SW Grade: Fucking Awesome

The year is 1987. A stunned and astonished planet watches as India invades Pakistan. Costa Rican President, Oscar Arias Sanchez, wins the Nobel Peace Prize for kick-starting the peace talks in Central America. The life-altering laugh riot that is “The Golden Girls” finishes the year as 4th most popular television program according to the Nielsen rating system. The Cutting Crew kicks off a stunning musical voyage by placing “(I Just) Died in Your Arms” in the Billboard Top 10. And in a bit of extreme pride for a Minnesotan, the Minnesota Twins win the World Series in seven games over the evil, Ozzie Smith-led St. Louis Cardinals.

What a year!

Continue reading →

Fans of C.S. Lewis’ Chronicles of Narnia series of books and films received unexpected news on Tuesday when Fox Studios officially greenlit plans to release a film-adaptation of the author’s long-lost final installment The Chronicles of Narnia: Bastard’s Delight.

The storyline in Bastard’s Delight revolves around the closing of Narnia’s only abortion clinic by King Terian’s royal council and the ripple effect it has on the magical kingdom’s drug and prostitution rings.

Believing in the rights of all creatures to prematurely terminate an unplanned pregnancy, Peter, Lucy, Eustace, Polly, and Jill set out on a mission to capture the mystical Golden Veto needed to overrule the king’s proposed bill. While on their journey, however, they face a number of seemingly insurmountable obstacles, including Peter’s growing dependence on Percocet, ongoing litigation in Lucy’s unresolved bankruptcy case, and a group orgy that threatens to keep the young adventurers busy for days.

Continue reading →

This past weekend, while flipping through the seemingly endless array of highly addictive visual garbage on my television, I stumbled upon a true classic from the sports movie genre. A film for the ages, if you will. Yes, I’m speaking of Major League.

Much like its motion picture peers — Citizen Kane, The Godfather, and The Adventures of Pluto Nash — Major League pulls at every emotion simultaneously, all while introducing the world to a cast of characters unlike any seen before, or since, on the silver screen.

The timeless story of a rag-tag group of quasi-professional baseball players who beat the odds (and the Yankees), Major League was followed by two very underwhelming sequels, both of which could very well have damaged the franchise beyond repair. Unless, that is, a visionary director with talents on par with Martin Scorsese or Orson Welles is willing to risk it all to ensure that the following sequel is made into Hollywood gold.

Continue reading →

The winter holiday season is the perfect time of year to hunker down with family and friends, pop some popcorn, and surrender to the ever-enjoyable world of movies. After all, it’s cold outside, you’re with the ones you love and you’ve most likely eaten enough food to make it impossible to move more than three feet without soiling yourself.

For decades, countless holiday celebrations have included a healthy helping of Christmas Vacation, White Christmas, and A Christmas Story, and countless other holiday-inspired films. But while these films do a wonderful job communicating the messages of joy, love, and laughter, there are many pertinent messages that fall by the wayside by the time the final credits roll. Messages that need to be taken in by the masses during this happiest of seasons.

With that in mind, here is a list of films that may not strike you at first glance as “must watch movies” for the holiday season, but will have you praying to Santa for the BluRay editions in no time:

Continue reading →

Evanston, IL – Evanston police responded Friday evening to a public disturbance at a local Applebee’s restaurant after 19-year-old restaurant hostess Danielle Lipnicky mistakenly attempted to seat actress Jennifer Grey in a corner.

In Evanston for a charity event, Grey, who played Frances ‘Baby’ Houseman in the wildly popular film Dirty Dancing, became enraged when she and her dinner companions were shown to a spacious, well-lit corner booth at the busy suburban restaurant.

“Don’t you know that nobody puts Baby in a corner, you dumb c***?” Grey was heard screaming at Lipnicky, paraphrasing Patrick Swayze’s famous admonition of Jerry Orbach in Dirty Dancing. “Nobody!”

Continue reading →