Blind ticket holder John Cassel’s view of the court at Thursday’s game.

Searching for innovative ways to attract an increasingly disinterested local fan base, the Minnesota Timberwolves implemented a “Blind  Appreciation Night” promotion for Thursday night’s game—a demoralizing 122-64 loss to the Utah Jazz.

The new promotion—the first of its kind in NBA history—provided all blind patrons with free obstructed-view seats, 50% off all misprinted Timberwolves apparel, a private meet-and-greet with a man claiming to be team owner Glen Taylor, and all-you-can-eat Snausages for all seeing-eye dogs in attendance.

“For quite some time now, the Timberwolves have been putting a remarkably unwatchable product out to consumers,” said Melissa Martell, Timberwolves VP of Marketing. “We figured it was time to reach out to a demographic that could enjoy the game without having to actually see the atrocities taking place on the court. After all, hearing bad basketball isn’t nearly as haunting as seeing it.”

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Melbourne, Australia — Four-time Australian Open champion Novak Djokovic’s thrilling four-set victory over Olympic gold medalist Andy Murray on Sunday had many in attendance holding their breath. His victory celebration had others wishing they had.

Following his game-winning point against Murray, Djokovic stunned the capacity crowd at Melbourne Park by squatting near the baseline, gripping his racquet tightly in his left hand, and shitting on the trademark blue playing surface. The only hitch in his celebration occurred when the Serbian champion forgot to pull his shorts down prior to releasing his bowels. 

“I had been preparing so long and hard for the tennis portion of the day, that I let the focus on my celebration slip and forgot to pull down my drawers,” said the playfully dejected Djokovic. “Luckily, the loose shorts I was wearing allowed a few of the smaller nuggets to roll out unencumbered, which eased my mind a bit. After that, I just stretched the fabric away from my legs and let loose the dogs of war.”

While unprepared for Djokovic’s display, tournament officials were able to keep the court relatively clean by having ball boys repeatedly sprint by and scoop up each piece of feces as it hit the ground.

For his part, runner-up Murray responded to the loss—and Djokovic’s unconventional celebration—with the same dignity and grace that has helped transform him into a British hero.

“Like all of the major champions before him, Novak has earned the right to celebrate however he sees fit,” said Murray. “Bjorn Borg used to berate his wife in public after a win. Agassi committed arson after the ’99 French Open. McEnroe would just flat out stab people. For Novak, Novak pooping equals excellence.”

Des Moines, IA — Local residents took to the streets of Des Moines on Tuesday to celebrate an announcement designating the central Iowa city as the host of the 2030 Winter Olympics, with the stipulation that the entire city be packed and moved to Chicago, Boston or any other American city that people from around the world would actually want to visit.

Following months of speculation, officials from the International Olympic Committee (IOC) announced the surprising decision at a press conference at Des Moines City Hall, marking the first time many international journalists had ever written about, visited or even heard of Iowa.

“It is with great pleasure that the IOC awards the city of Des Moines, IA with the 2030 Winter Olympic Games,” said Jacques Rogge, IOC president. “We have no doubt that once the city is packed and moved to a classier, more appealing destination, it will prove to be one of the best host cities in the history of these proud games.”

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Altamonte Springs, FL – International golf sensation Tiger Woods thrilled dozens of area residents Tuesday evening by showing up at a local Perkins, ordering dinner and then leaving without engaging in violent anal sex with a single member of the restaurant’s female waitstaff.

Woods was infamously alleged to have engaged in rough sex with an Orlando-area Perkins waitress on a number of occasions in 2006 and 2007, just one of many such allegations that led to the end of the golf superstar’s marriage and started a PR nightmare that is just now beginning to wane. Tuesday’s visit to the restaurant chain was his first since the allegations went viral in 2009.

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ESPN’s homepage has featured the Yankees’ 2009 World Series victory for 33 straight months.

New York, NY — Attorneys for the New York Jets, New York Yankees and New York Knicks filed an order of protection in federal court on Wednesday against sports media giant ESPN, citing an “unnatural and downright creepy amount of attention” heaped upon the franchises by the billion-dollar media conglomerate’s broadcast, web and print outlets in recent years.

The target of claims of ‘East Coast bias’ for decades, ESPN has ramped up their coverage of New York’s professional sports teams in recent years to a level even the franchises themselves find disconcerting.

Executives from the three famous franchises presented federal judge Barry Vento with 712 boxes of documents and recordings reportedly detailing ESPN’s harassing and invasive behavior since January 2011. Included in the evidence was a video of Chris Berman shaving the Jets logo in his back hair, as well as 42 emails from Buster Olney to Yankees manager Joe Girardi offering to repave his driveway for free.

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Tebow responds to the announcement of his positive moral tests with a “Holy smokerino!”

Florham Park, NJ – The NFL has announced the suspension of New York Jets backup quarterback for five games following reports that the former Heismann Trophy winner tested positive for a generally uplifting attitude and superior moral fortitude.

According to league sources, Tebow was subjected to six random morality tests in the past year, with results coming back glowingly positive each time. The tests performed on Tebow reportedly included a quiz about the Golden Rule, over two dozen smile measurements, and forced screenings of the Kirk Cameron’s film “Left Behind.”

“After conducting our standardized testing on Mr. Tebow, it was revealed that he exhibited moral fiber levels between 300-400% higher than the average player,” said Bill Garrity, the NFL’s chief testing agent. “To put it in perspective, Mr. Tebow’s average test result last year was 596. By comparison, Pacman Jones registered a 3.7 in 2010. In my experience, you don’t see test results that high without some form of moral enhancement being involved.”

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I love baseball. You heard me right. I love it. Maybe not as much as I love a fresh vanilla Charleston Chew or a jukebox containing three or more Night Ranger songs, but definitely more than having my testicles lightly seared in canola oil while still encased in my scrotum. Yes, I love baseball way more than that.

It is a game of deeply-rooted traditions, each of which is embraced by players and fans with the same passion today as in years and generations past. Whether it is legging out a triple, turning a crisp 6-4-3 double play, or throwing a full-count breaking ball, baseball is a game of instincts, reaction, and careful decision-making. It is a game that can be mastered equally by the best of athletes and the most well-versed of students. It is, in a word, heaven.

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Hey Timmy,

Long time no talk. Sorry for not responding to your prayers in a while. It’s been really crazy around here lately. Between this gay marriage debate and getting prepped for Easter, I’ve hardly had any time to myself. I haven’t even had time to pay my bookie for that bet I lost on your last playoff game. (Thanks for that, by the way. JK.)

Seriously, though, I did want to get in touch to let you know about a big change in my life that will undoubtedly affect you. And while it may be difficult for you to understand and accept at first, I think we’ll both be better off in the long run. Regardless, you deserve to hear it from me, not TMZ or ESPN.

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San Bernardino, CA — Local skateboarder Connor “Breakout” Mendelsen shocked a group of onlookers at the East Side Skatepark on Tuesday after successfully completing a trick that looked strikingly similar to three dozen other tricks he performed earlier in the day, but was reportedly way tougher.

Mendelsen, 12, who has been skating at the East Side Skatepark for over six years, had just completed back-to-back pressure flips when he attempted a trick known as a 360 Pop Shuv It. After extending the trick an extra two degrees—a trick Mendelsen termed a “362 Pop Shuv It”—onlooking skaters screamed their approval out loud for nearly 45 seconds, before returning to their purposeless loitering and intense cursing of nearby residents playing tennis.

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Pyongyang, North Korea – Kim Jong-il, late supreme leader of the Democratic People’s Republic of Korea, was still able to golf a 14-under-par round of 58 on Sunday, despite being only moments from death, according to the government controlled media services.

Kim, who passed away on Sunday due to complications from an apparent heart attack, reportedly played 18 holes at the Pyongyang International Country Club from the comfort of his Craftmatic Adjustable Bed at the presidential palace, making one birdie, three eagles, and seven holes-in-one.

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