As we age, time feels as though it is running on a constant fast-forward setting. Life flashing by in the blink of an eye while we wait in line at Starbucks. It’s hardly a novel take, but something that each of us comes to realize eventually. An inconvenient fact of life, if you will.

That is, unless you’re a heralded filmmaker in 2023. In that case, you put your all into writing scripts thicker than Jon Cena’s neck, firing any editors who dare propose cutting even one second from a scene that is already five minutes too long, and then “rewarding” moviegoers with overly long, often self-indulgent films that would be far better served as five-part mini-series on Netflix, AMC, or even MTV2. Yes, I’m talking to you, Martin Scorcese (“Killers of the Flower Moon”), Ari Aster (“Beau is Afraid”), and Ridley Scott (“Napoleon”), to name a few.

Yes, 2023 was the year that the very whisper of creating a 100-minute movie became unacceptable. In its place, directors inserted passion projects so obviously life-altering and virtuous that nary a minute could be cut, for fear that the audience would be unable to truly absorb their genius. It was as if the studios had forgotten that very few moviegoers have bladders large enough to house the contents of a 40 oz. Dr. Pepper for more than an hour.

Complaints aside (for now), 2023 was an interesting year for the big screen. The quantity of needle-moving films was down, but the quality of those still worthy of our acclaim was as high as any recent year. There were thought-provoking indies, infusions of creativity in horror and sci-fi, and more than a few blockbusters to satisfy the less-snobbish masses. And perhaps best of all, we started to finally witness the welcome decline of the worst thing to happen in the history of movies: Marvel.

With that in mind, it’s time for another iteration of Stink Whispers’ list of the best and worst films of the year, as well as recognition of the awful moments in cinema from which all children, elderly and/or generally cranky people should be spared. Yes, the Whispy Awards.

As for the increasing rate of time’s passing, Ferris Bueller might’ve had it right: “Life moves fast. If you don’t stop and look around once in a while, you could miss it.” Then again, he simply skipped school to go to a Cubs game. He didn’t take his friends to see the extended director’s cut of “John Wick 4.”

Let’s dig in to this, shall we?

Jump to: Dirty (Downright Stanky) Half-Dozen | 2023 Whispy Awards

Best of the Lot

1) Past Lives (trailer) – At the risk of overstating things, no film in the past decade has stayed with me so long after leaving the theater as “Past Lives.” First-time writer and director Celine Song’s big screen debut follows two childhood friends —  separated when one immigrates from South Korea to the U.S. as a child — over the course of two decades as their lives diverge, but the connection in which they were rooted never quite disappears. What follows is an achingly beautiful story of reconnecting and coming to terms with the happiness you chose and the possible happiness you have left behind. Greta Lee is hypnotizing as Nora, expertly navigating the conflicted path of a woman fully emerged in her present life and love, yet still drawn to the life that preceded it (and could’ve been). Teo Yoo’s performance as Hae Sung, Nora’s childhood soul mate, feels far subtler, but is equally as powerful. There is a unspoken connection between the two, and some of their most powerful scenes together are built upon silence and eye contact. The final scene brings home the concept to perfection, with Song letting silence flesh out a moment words would’ve only muddled. It’s no surprise A24 is the studio behind this gem, as it is one of the only studios today willing to support innovative storytellers and imaginative stories.

2) Oppenheimer (trailer) – I’ve spent the better part of a decade poking as many holes in the supposed genius of Christopher Nolan as possible. His much ballyhooed science fiction entries (“Inception,” “Interstellar,” and “Tenet”) represent some of the most tedious, over-stuffed, over-explained films my senses have ever absorbed. Meanwhile, his more grounded films (“The Prestige” and “Dunkirk”) represent some of the 21st century’s best. The bastard confounds me, but put “Oppenheimer” firmly (and thankfully) in the latter category. It stars Cillian Murphy as J. Robert Oppenheimer, the American theoretical physicist credited with being the “father of the atomic bomb.” Nolan’s three-hour epic (didn’t I just lambaste overly long films above?) traverses Oppeheimer’s journey as a lead player in the Manhattan Project — the World War II undertaking that developed the first nuclear weapons — and the toll it took on him and those around him in the process. Within that larger story, Nolan also intersperses the story of Oppenheimer’s post-war downfall amidst the politically motivated irrationality and fear mongering of the “Red Scare.” The entire cast is brilliant, with Murphy, Matt Damon, and Florence Pugh all turning in wonderful supporting performances, and Nolan does a stellar job of building drama throughout. More of these please, Christopher.

3) Evil Dead Rise (trailer) – There’s no debate. The most inventive, laugh out loud, and downright stomach-turning horror films ever made exist in the form of Sam Raimi’s “Evil Dead” (1981) and “Evil Dead 2” (1987). Three decades later, Lee Cronin has successfully carried on the franchise’s bloody torch with the dark, claustrophobic, and violent “Evil Dead Rise.” Taking place in soon-to-be-condemned apartment complex, it’s the story of two estranged sisters trying to survive and save their family from an evil, gore-loving force that thrives on possessing innocents and turning them into insane, violence-prone “deadites” committed to dragging the world into hell. Sounds childish, I know, but for fans of the franchise, the film hits every mark from start to finish. Cronin sets a perfect mood throughout, with darkness serving as a character of it’s own, and the outlandish ways in which characters meet their maker unfold in a fun game of one upsmanship. The cast of relative unknowns makes it easier to focus on the demented adventure on display, but the cast (particularly the child actors) deserve their due for pulling off the dual roles each has to play: frightened innocent and maniacal killer. The “Evil Dead” franchise is not for everyone, but for those who feel in love with Raimi’s “I’ll swallow your soul” sentiment, there is still hope for fun in the world of horror. 

4) The Holdovers (trailer) – I remember watching “Sideways” two decades ago and wondering what all of the fuss was about. Years later, the film is a must-watch every single time I see it on my TV. Alexander Payne’s “The Holdovers” doesn’t quite have that same feeling, but his prowess as a filmmaker certainly shines in this similarly Paul Giamatti-led film about a cranky history teacher at a New England boarding school who is forced to chaperone a handful of students — one in particular — with nowhere to go on Christmas break. Set in 1970 (and shot with the same decades-old flavor), the film has a certain nostalgic charm to go along with some wonderful performances, a subtly touching story, and a great soundtrack. Giamatti is his usual stellar self as the professor-turned-babysitter, and Da’Vine Joy Randolph is powerful as Mary Lamb, the school’s head cook and a bereaved mother. There are laughs to be had, but the film is really a touching look at human potential (both lost and unrealized), loneliness, and the connections we all seek, whether we know it or not. I have my doubts that “The Holdovers” will be the perpetual must-watch that Payne’s wine-obsessed “Sideways” was, but for a more immediate satisfaction, it fits the bill.

5) Sisu (trailer) – Don’t get between a man and his gold. Especially if you’re a Nazi and said man lost his family at the hands of Nazis not all that dissimilar from you. Seems like common sense, but then again, Nazis rarely have much of that. Set in Finland during the final months of World War II, “Sisu” is the story of a former Finnish commando and gold prospector who strikes it rich, then is forced to defend himself (and his newfound treasure) from an SS death squad. Director Jalmari Helander fills the screen with washed-out colors, spares the dialogue (particularly for our hero), and ratchets up the action from a simple “you might not want to mess with this guy” state to a “why won’t this fucking old timer just die” place. With a rapid 91-minute runtime, the onscreen journey is not drawn out, the action moves fast, and the viewer is left wanting a little bit more of the chaos. By far, the funnest little-known film of the year.

6) Concrete Utopia (trailer) – After Seoul is devastated by a major earthquake, only the Imperial Palace Apartments remain standing amidst the ruin. As external survivors flock to the apartments for help, residents must make decisions that pit their humanity against their instinct to survive. “Concrete Utopia” is an interesting social experiment modeled through fiction, making the viewers ask themselves what they would do when faced with some of the them-or-me questions of survival. Lee Byung-hun plays resident leader Yeong-tak with subtle menace, his character’s true background (and nature) unfurling as the reality in the Imperial Palace begins to degrade. The situational rise and fall of other residents is also interesting to witness, and you find yourself simultaneously rooting for and sympathizing with both the residents and outsiders throughout. With plenty of direct and indirect correlation to so many moral questions of our modern world, writer and director Um Tae-hwa does a marvelous job of splicing entertainment with some interesting questions of morality. The end result is effective and fun.

7) Air (trailer) – I’ll be completely honest. I wanted to hate “Air” as much as I hate the fact that there is a subsection of people who are unnaturally obsessed with collecting tennis shoes with overpaid athletes’ names on them. Even worse, it is directed by the imminently unlikable Ben Affleck (who also acts in it). Still, I’d be lying if they didn’t pull off a really interesting and likable film. Based on the origin of the Air Jordan basketball shoe line, “Air” follows a Nike employee (played by Matt Damon) as he seeks to strike a business deal with NBA rookie-to-be Michael Jordan and save the running shoe giant’s floundering basketball business segment. Sounds enthralling, right? Well, thanks to on-cue performances by Damon, Jason Bateman, Chris Tucker, Viola Davis, and even Affleck himself, the story builds real drama, despite most of the conscious world knowing how it ends.

8) A Good Person (trailer) – Holy heavy film, Batman. Death, addiction, lost love, and maybe a touch more death. “A Good Person” is the story of Allison, an aspiring musician who, while driving with her eyes off the road, causes an accident that kills her future brother-in-law and sister-in-law. In the aftermath, Allison wrestles with impossible feelings of guilt and a powerful addiction to pain pills, eventually doing so with the reluctant guidance of her once-future father-in-law, played by Morgan Freeman. Florence Pugh knocks it out of the park as the emotionally destroyed, addiction-crippled Allison, reinforcing my belief that she is the most talented actress in Hollywood at the moment. There is a feeling that Morgan Freeman has played his character before, but it doesn’t necessarily feel like one time too many. If you’re looking for light and fluffy, stick to “Barbie.” If you’re ready for something a bit heavier — and maybe a cry — this is worth your time.

9) The Creator (trailer) – If you’ve never heard of “The Creator,” you’re hardly alone. A relatively big-budget, yet low-profile, sci-fi action piece from the director of the criminally unknown “Monsters” (2010) and the brilliant “Rogue One: A Star Wars Story” (2016), this film is set in 2070, as man wages a war against artificial intelligence living amongst humans. John David Washington plays an ex-special forces agent who is recruited to hunt down and kill the “Creator”, a supposed enemy of mankind who has developed a mysterious weapon with the power to end the war. Director Gareth Edwards splashes the screen with eye-popping action sequences and brilliant color, moving the relatively simple story from A to Z with a pace and feel that belies its two-plus hour run time. It may not be the most mind-bending piece of science fiction ever created, with a plot that has its occasional flaws, but it feels truly original, and more importantly, fun.

10) The Killer (trailer) – The first 15 minutes of “The Killer” are the perfect example of why director David Fincher is so skilled at his craft. An assassin, played by the always exceptional Michael Fassbender, narrates his rules and the routine of his job as he stakes out a target in Paris over the course of a week. Almost an assuredly tedious exercise in the hands of many other directors, the collection of interwoven sequences has you paying attention to every detail in the hopes of better understanding the titular character, as well as ensuring you don’t risk missing a detail that may be useful in the film that remains. Spoiler alert: the hit goes wrong, and the resulting backlash sends Fassbender on a global vendetta that combines stylish imagery, deadpan performances, and smart action. It’s too bad the film wasn’t released on the big screen, where Fincher’s work is at its best, but this Netflix original gave the streaming giant a glowing success amongst the endless cavalcade of crap they distribute on the regular.

Close, but no cigar (i.e. – just missed the list): “Guardians of the Galaxy: Volume 3”, “The Covenant,” and “Saltburn.” 

The Dirty (Downright Stanky) Half-Dozen

It’d be disingenuous of me to say I don’t love this portion of my year-end recap. Shining a light on the truly awful films that some hapless sacks of shit decided to greenlight and pour millions upon millions of dollars into is what makes me whole.

With that said, as is the case every year, a number of films are being spared my harshest (assuredly justified) scorn due to my aversion to throwing good money after bad. You’re welcome, “Ant-Man and the Wasp: Quantumania,” Transformers: Rise of the Beasts,” and “The Marvels.” You will not be trashed endlessly to my dozens (yes, dozens) of loyal readers.

Here are my selections for the six films from 2023 that rival the worst of pandemics in terms of their negative impact on both physical and mental health of humans everywhere:

Silent Night – I’m sure the geniuses behind this unique revenge concept thought they were really going to shock the world when they decided to tell a story with zero dialogue and all action. And while I’ll always approve of giving actor Joel Kinnaman (one of the worst actors of this generation) as few lines as possible, making viewers make sense of the story through his facial expressions alone is just plain painful and cruel. Don’t let the trailer fool you (I’m not even going to share it here), this is one action film that has far less action than it does overly-corny family flashbacks of which even the Hallmark Channel wouldn’t approve. I’m ashamed for everyone involved in this turkey.

House Party – Did 1990’s “House Party” (featuring Kid ‘n Play) really need a reboot? Further, did it need a reboot covered from head to toe in Lebron (I sure do love myself) James’ fingerprints? Those were both rhetorical questions, but if you insist on hearing an answer, it is a resounding no.

Killers of the Flower Moon – Martin Scorsese, what the hell happened? You found such an interesting story to tell, gathered an all-star cast, then decided to transform it all into an overly long, uninteresting slog fest where the antagonists are the misguided focus, the protagonists are weakly formed, and the story had little rhythm or focus. Not to mention, you made the thing so long that I could’ve completed a master’s degree program at Purdue Global faster than it took to get to the end credits of your passion project.

Ghosted – If you wanted to prop up an awful script with a couple of pieces of Hollywood eye candy, you could do worse than Ana de Armas and Chris Evans. I might argue that you’d be better served avoiding the awful script to begin with, but I’m just some asshole who criticizes the work of others. Still, I’m not wrong when I say that this spy-who-kinda-liked-me action/romance flop is the reason Apple should stick to making smartphones.

The Flash – What do you get when you mix psychotic actor Ezra Miller with yet another a bullshit multi-verse story (what a fucking original concept, ugh) about a superhero nobody gives a shit about and a studio that seems content attempting to copycat the most boring and tasteless comic book bile that Marvel produces on its worst day? Well, you get “The Flash.” It’s not bad enough that Miller spits rapid-fire one-liners in place of actually fleshing out a character to root for. No, there’s actually two of him doing it. Two Ezra Miller’s being the worst version of Ezra Miller. I just can’t.

Asteroid City – I have one question for Wes Anderson: What is the ever-loving point? A widower and his kids become trapped with a collection of quirky characters in a town known for an asteroid crash years prior. Then what? I have no clue. Yes, “Asteroid City” has all of the visual exuberance and performative quirks that Anderson films tend to have. Color, monotone one-liners, and an all-star cast. What it lacks is a remotely discernible point, a cogent storytelling approach, and anything resembling charm. At some point, “style over substance” only takes you so far, and even Anderson’s style is becoming tired. At the end of the day, Wes Anderson loves himself some quirky Wes Anderson. If you do too, this might’ve tickled your funny bone. Alas, for me, all it did was bore the living shit out of me.

The 2023 Whispy Awards

Whispy for Best Actor – This is not meant to be a knock on my eventual award recipient, but 2023 had few truly awe-inspiring performances by an actor. That said, it would be underselling things to say that Cillian Murphy did not carry the category for his portrayal as the lead of “Oppenheimer.” Murphy plays the role with a calm determination and unwavering intelligence, never letting his performance drown out the story or transform his character into something he isn’t. I have to imagine good ol’ Leo DiCaprio would’ve had J. Robert Oppenheimer cursing and screaming for three hours, so I can appreciate Murphy letting him breath and glide through the story. Honorable mention: Teo Yoo in “Past Lives,” Michael Fassbender in “The Killer,” and Barry Keoghan in “Saltburn.” 

Whispy for Best Actress – Without Greta Lee, “Past Lives” would’ve most likely still been a strong film. With her, it was head-and-shoulders the most memorable film of the year. Lee plays Nora Moon with such grace, empathy, and emotion, and your eyes can hardly look away as she and co-star Teo Yoo . Some may remember Lee from “Russian Doll” or “The Morning Show,” but this film was her true coming out party, and it’s impossible to imagine there isn’t a stellar career ahead. Honorable mention: Florence Pugh in “A Good Person,” Da’Vine Joy Randolph in “The Holdovers,” and  Jennifer Lawrence in “No Hard Feelings.”

And the rest…

• Stinkiest Performance by an Actor: Chris Evans in “Ghosted”
• Stinkiest Performance by an Actress: Violet McGraw (the annoying kid) in “M3GAN”
• Guilty Pleasure Film that Was Admittedly Not So Amazing: “Knock at the Cabin”
• Not Awful, but Definitely Overrated Film: “Spider-Man: Across the Spider-Verse”
• Funniest Film of 2023 (tie): “No Hard Feelings” and “Next Goal Wins”
• Best Visuals: “The Creator”
• Film that Forced the Most Salty Discharge from the Eyes (tie): “Past Lives” and “A Good Person”
• Best Film that Felt Nearly Impossible to Watch Without Cringing (Oh, and Had a Penis-flopping Dance Scene at the End: “Saltburn”
• Probably Not as Awful as I Make It, but Definitely Overrated (three-way tie): “Asteroid City,” “Asteroid City,” and “Asteroid City”