I despise getting old. Not only does time fly by more rapidly and the number of times I feel the need to piss each night increase, but the crankiness that used to at least pretend to hide deep inside me now dances and parades around on full display, as if it was having its own coming out party. It shows up when people with overflowing carts beat me to the self-checkout line at Target. It trumpets its horn whenever the 5’2″ workout warrior hogs three machines at once at the gym and won’t let me cut in. It shows up when any Drake song or the “Kars 4 Kids” jingle pop on my radio. And, yes, it definitely rears its ugly head when the cost of a movie ticket and a tub of popcorn is wasted on a big screen dud.

Yes, I am cranky. No, Hollywood doesn’t seem to care. Nobody cares!

In 2024, studios big and small bombarded moviegoers with nauseating mass market slop, cringey Christian propaganda flicks, laughable social justice allegories, and countless other joyless efforts instead of actually entertaining us — which I’ve always understood to be the point. I didn’t even bother to see “Madame Web.” It simply wasn’t worth the blood pressure risk.

The year wasn’t a complete loss, though. Despite my best efforts to convince you otherwise, plenty of fun, thought-provoking, and/or emotionally stirring films did grace the big screen (and when Netflix wasn’t looking, occasionally on the small screen). Yes, the percentages have not been moving in my favor, but there is still much to enjoy on that dazzling 70-foot screen.

With that in mind, it’s time for Stink Whispers’ list of the best and worst films of the year, as well as recognition of the awful moments in cinema from which all children, elderly and/or generally cranky people should be spared. Yes, the Whispy Awards.

So, let’s do this already. Let’s get cranky!

Jump to: Dirty (Downright Stanky) Half-Dozen | 2024 Whispy Awards

Best of the Lot

1) All of Us Strangers (trailer) – It seems that each year starts with a film that grabs a hold of me and sets an impossibly high bar for the months to follow. In 2023 it was “Past Lives,” and this year “All of Us Strangers” took the nod. This impeccably crafted film tells the story of Adam, a lonely and tortured television screenwriter in London. After a random meeting with his drunk neighbor Harry, Adam slowly (if reluctantly) opens up to Harry, a move that sparks romance, nurtures his writing, and prompts him to visit his suburban childhood home, where he encounters his parents, who both died in a car accident decades earlier just before he was twelve. The following hundred minutes or so guide the viewer through hope, heartbreak, reconnection, and a coming to terms with pain and loneliness. A twist at the end makes the film even more stunning and difficult, but hauntingly beautiful all the same. The entire cast is absolutely brilliant, with Andrew Scott, Paul Mescal, Jamie Bell, and Claire Foy each stealing your breath at one point or another. This is a film that stays with you after you leave the theater (in my case, for weeks after).

2) American Fiction (trailer) – Okay, technically this film was a 2023 entry, (December 15, 2023), but it didn’t release in my home state until January of 2024, so I’m counting it as such. Don’t like it? Tough shit. This isn’t the Academy of Motion Picture Arts and Sciences. It’s an inconsistently written movie and satire blog named after morning breath. Anywho, “American Fiction” is the story of Monk, a frustrated novelist who is fed up with a system that profits from Black entertainment that relies on tired and offensive tropes. To prove his point, he writes an exaggerated book of his own under a fake name, only to be inadvertently and ironically propelled into stardom. This thought-provoking film tackles the social and cultural constructs we apply to others and ourselves, all while exploring issues of loss, family connection, and reinvention. Jeffrey Wright knocks it out of the park as Monk, stealing his scenes with a calm demeanor and deft comedic touch. Sterling K. Brown (nominated for an Oscar for his supporting role) is equally as brilliant as Monk’s estranged and wildly unpredictable brother. Director Cord Jefferson deftly weaves the characters together to tell a near-perfect story (Issa Rae’s character, while important to Monk’s journey, feels like an unintentionally lazy caricature). Last year, this year, next year. Doesn’t matter. This is an excellent watch.

3) Civil War (trailer) – It may seem nonsensical (considering this my third-rated film of 2024), but I expected more of “Civil War.” First, it was an A24 film (my favorite studio). Second, Alex Garland is one of my favorite new-ish directors, having made three brilliant films in the past handful of years — “Ex Machina,” “Annihilation,” and “Men.” Setting a high bar can result in unfairly experienced disappointment. All of that said, “Civil War” is a great film, I just hoped for perfection. The film tells the story of embedded journalists racing against time to reach the nation’s capital in the midst of America’s second Civil War, in the hopes of interviewing the disgraced president before rebel factions descend upon the White House. On their way, they pick up a young photographer-in-waiting, giving her a first-hand view of the how humankind has descended into the worst version of itself when given a nudge. This film caught some flack for being catastrophizing very real fears of present-day Americans, as well as failing (rightly) to identify a good or bad guy, as it were, and applying it to our real-time politics. I couldn’t disagree more. It illustrated one version of a tragic “what if” in raw terms, no winners truly emerging by the end credits. The cast is solid, with Stephen McKinley Henderson and Jesse Plemons actually having the most memorable roles in support. Yes, I wanted more, but that’s on me.

4) We Live in Time (trailer) – I admit it. I’m a complete and utter sucker for well-done tearjerkers about star-struck lovers torn apart, only to come back together, only to face adversity, and so on and on. It can be a tiresome formula for many folks, but I gobble that shit down like spicy chili on Super Bowl Sunday. “We Live in Time” executes the formula about as well as it can be done. It’s the story of Almut and Tobias who are brought together by auto-related chance, fall madly (and convincingly) in love, then face challenges that force them to balance living in the moment with holding on to their love as long as possible. It’s no secret that Florence Pugh is my favorite actress of the past million-plus years, and she storms through her role with aching emotion and grounded appeal. Andrew Garfield is his charming self, playing subtly off Pugh in a wonderfully complimentary way. If you’re human, your tear ducts will kick in a few times, but this isn’t just some sad sack excuse to blubber. It’s a beautiful story held together by the perfect chemistry of its leads.

5) Challengers (trailer) – When I think of tennis, I think of love triangles. Who could forget when Martina Navratilova was sleeping with John McEnroe and Chrissy Everett at the same time? Well, if you believe that actually happened, perhaps you’ll take me for my word that “Challengers” really is a well-constructed, brilliantly acted, slightly trendier version of that all-too-believable myth I’ve just woven. This is the story of two best friends (both tennis up-and-comers) who fall for the same gorgeous, insanely talented women’s tennis star, killing their friendship, sending their careers on opposite trajectories, and leaving the viewer wondering if either Ken is even worthy of the Barbie. Zendaya plays the strong, manipulative, charming, no-nonsense Tashi perfectly, serving as puppet master for best friends Patrick and Art. What could have fallen into some tired, derivative “Who gets the girl?” finale is gloriously replaced with a final match that has you leaving the theater not really caring about the question in the first place.

6) Alien: Romulus (trailer) – For true fans of Ridley Scott’s all-time great “Alien” franchise, attempting to measure up to the first two entries is a fool’s errand. “Alien 3” and “Alien: Resurrection” had action and fun, but no brains. “Prometheus” and “Alien: Covenant” had plenty of brains and style, but no fun. Well, I won’t pretend “Alien: Romulus” has the best of both worlds, but it’s the closest Scott has come since “Aliens” in 1986. Largely detached from the overwhelming timeline of the originals, this is a story of young space colonizers who come face to face with the acid-spitting killers we all love while scavenging a derelict space station. Fede Álvarez (a top-3 director in my book), injects plenty of action, violence, and thrills to go around, and by the end credits you’ll realize that this one is just plain fun. The same formula that made Álvarez’s “Evil Dead” and “Don’t Breathe” impossible to turn away from are here, as well. Refreshing, a bit rinse-and-repeat, but so much fun.

7) Saturday Night (trailer) – The film lays out a near real-time dramatization of the chaotic, seemingly doomed first broadcast of “Saturday Night Live” on Oct. 11, 1975, mostly through the focal point of producer Lorne Michaels (Gabriel LaBelle). Director Jason Reitman dances with the details a bit (apparently), but every one of those dalliances feels fully real and believable. I won’t pretend that the film is packed with Oscar-worthy performances. That said, the cast is jam-packed with doppelgangers who capture their real-life cast members (Dan Aykroyd, John Belushi, Chevy Chase, Gilda Radner, Garrett Morris, etc.) flawlessly. It’s not a laugh-out-loud set-up or delivery (much like the original iteration of SNL rarely make me laugh), but it is a master class in capturing the time and place that is so tightly woven into the show. If I’m honest, I left the film not sure if I enjoyed the experience. A day later, I wanted to see it again.

8) Heretic (trailer) – Intriguing plot, wonderful tone and pacing, but let’s not kid ourselves. This film is propped up by a whacky and beautifully creepy and devilish performance by Hugh Grant. “Heretic” is the story of two young missionaries who become ensnared in a deadly game of cat and mouse (and the ultimate test of faith) when they knock on the door of the Grant’s Mr. Reed and are eventually forced to play his calmly sinister game of “which faith is the right faith” in order to leave. The film is a tight little bugger with plenty of ominous shadows, a few creeps and scares, and some thought-provoking explorations into religion and why many latch onto this faith or that faith. At the end of the day, though, this is a chess game between a powerfully intelligent Grant and his seemingly (but not actually) naïve guests. I wish there were more smart, taut films like this coming to big screens. Films that contain morsels to get your brain ticking and heart beating, but don’t need three hours to do so.

9) A Quiet Place: Day One (trailer) – If you’ve seen “A Quiet Place” or “A Quiet Place: Part II,” I won’t bore with you with the nuts and bolts of this prequel. Aliens who see, move, and kill by sound. Humans are loud and annoying. Bad combo. That said, this prequel is an exciting, at times touching, sprint through the first day of the alien invasion in New York City. The always stellar Lupita Nyong’o plays Sam, a terminally ill cancer patient on a field trip to the big city. Cue up the alien invasion in the loudest, most obnoxious city on the planet. Seriously, though, this isn’t just a thriller/action flick (there’s plenty of both). Nyong’o and Joseph Quinn expel a fair amount of feeling into their roles, developing a believable bond as they race across the city towards their one hope of rescue. Fair warning, Sam has a cat, and the cat nearly gets her killed on more than one occasion. Feline stupidity aside, like its predecessors, this film mixes action, scares, and emotion together for a rich experience you won’t see in many films of its genre.

10) Memory (trailer) – Had it not been for my love of nearly every film in which either Jessica Chastain or Peter Sarsgaard has acted, I may not have given “Memory” a look (it didn’t find its way to theaters around me). But I do love both actors, so it was no surprise when the payoff to this difficult, but eventually uplifting film paid off. Chastain plays Sylvia, a social worker whose life gets upended after Saul (Sarsgaard) follows her home from their high school reunion, spending the night outside her building in the rain. Turns out Saul has early onset dementia, and Sylvia resembles his deceased wife. “Memory” is a heavy film, but it is occasionally buoyed by moments of levity. Chastain and Sarsgaard are both wonderful, the former frustratingly broken as she relives past traumas and the latter achingly helpless as he attempts to find any connection in his tether-less world.

Close, but no cigar (i.e. – just missed the list): “A Complete Unknown,” “Rebel Ridge,” and “A Real Pain.”

The Dirty (Downright Stanky) Half-Dozen

Have you ever heard the phrase, “It takes more muscles to frown than it does to smile?” Well, to the wise person who shared that unsolicited bit of wisdom, I say: Mind your fucking business. Nobody asked you.

Sometimes it just feels right to frown, even if it is a little bit more of a workout. That’s how I feel about watching and appropriately hating bad movies. The sweet isn’t as sweet without the sour, or some shit like that.

Anyway, below is a list of the six films from 2024 make me want to flex my frown muscles…and love every minute of doing so:

Tarot – College idiots fuck around with a haunted deck of tarot cards whilst partying, then ending up getting picked off one by one by clownish monsters. What? You were expecting something more? Nope, I’m afraid that’s it. Read that sentence over and over for 90 minutes straight and I promise you that you’ll have enjoyed yourself more than you would if you see this movie. Fuck! It makes me angry how bad this thing is.

The Beekeeper – What do you get when you combine a former CIA operative-turned-beekeeper with a mind-numbingly benign story and some of the worst cast-wide acting ever seen on the big screen? I’m so glad you asked. You get the latest Jason Statham waste of time. Josh Hutcherson turns in a performance that makes his glory days as a camouflaged rock in “The Hunger Games” seem like an Oscar-worthy effort. Spoiler Alert #1: Phylicia Rashad’s character kills herself in the first ten minutes. Spoiler Alert #2: I envied her.

The Crow – For the sake of full disclosure, the original “Crow” film starring Brandon Lee is one of my favorite big screen experiences ever. A dark, violent story of love, retribution, and artfully leaving crime scenes in the shape of a bird. This modern revision skips the character development, fun action, and ominous mood in exchange for a pathetic protagonist, a complete lack of tone or a cogent storyline, and an attempt at acting from something called FKA Twigs. There is one five-minute action sequence that blew me away, but the remaining 90% of the film just blew.

The Idea of You – The story of a 40-year-old woman who falls in love with a young boy band-ish singer at Coachella, then wrestles with super-important questions of life, love between generations, and finding your passion in the middle of your life journey. Kidding. None of it is important. Leads Anne Hathaway and Nicholas Galitzine have the romantic chemistry of a stinky foot and an even stinkier shoe. Do they end up together? Trust me, you won’t care. I’d have rather watched FKA Twigs eat a crow than think about this Amazon Prime turd one second more.

Godzilla x Kong: The New Empire – King Kong wears a prototype exoskeletal glove to fight another ape that breaths ice. Godzilla does some other stuff. The human characters bore the living shit out of you. And what do we get in the end? The promise of more films in this handicapped franchise. Did I mention that King Kong wears a mechanical glove that just so happens to fit him perfectly? “If the glove don’t fit, you must acquit.”

Trap – M. Night Shyamalan is back with another brilliant film that lacks an ounce of brilliance. Josh Hartnett plays a father who takes his daughter to a Swift-like pop star’s concert, only to learn that the concert is a set-up to spoil his side job of kidnapping and torturing innocent folks in his basement. The good news is that by now few of us really expect much from Shyamalan. The bad news is that his daughter is now making her own awful films (e.g. “The Watchers”), so we’re about to get twice as much overhyped shit each year.

The 2024 Whispy Awards

Whispy for Best Actor – This is not meant to be a knock on my eventual award recipient, but 2023 had few truly awe-inspiring performances by an actor. That said, it would be underselling things to say that Cillian Murphy did not carry the category for his portrayal as the lead of “Oppenheimer.” Murphy plays the role with a calm determination and unwavering intelligence, never letting his performance drown out the story or transform his character into something he isn’t. I have to imagine good ol’ Leo DiCaprio would’ve had J. Robert Oppenheimer cursing and screaming for three hours, so I can appreciate Murphy letting him breath and glide through the story.

Honorable mention: Jeffrety Wright in “American Fiction,” Hugh Grant in “Heretic,” Bobby Cannavale in “Ezra,” and Peter Sarsgaard in “Memory.” [Note: At the time of this writing, neither “The Brutalist” and “Queer” have been in local theaters, though I’ve heard that performances of Adrian Brody and Daniel Craig, respectively, are lights out.]

Whispy for Best Actress – Without Greta Lee, “Past Lives” would’ve most likely still been a strong film. With her, it was head-and-shoulders the most memorable film of the year. Lee plays Nora Moon with such grace, empathy, and emotion, and your eyes can hardly look away as she and co-star Teo Yoo . Some may remember Lee from “Russian Doll” or “The Morning Show,” but this film was her true coming out party, and it’s impossible to imagine there isn’t a stellar career ahead.

Honorable mention: Zendaya in “Challengers,” Claire Foy in “All of Us Strangers,” and Jessica Chastain in “Memory.”

And the rest…

• Stinkiest Performance by an Actor: Josh Hutcherson in “The Beekeeper”
• Stinkiest Performance by an Actress: Margaret Qualley in “Drive-Away Dolls”
• Guilty Pleasure Film that Was Admittedly Not So Amazing (tie): “Boy Kills World” and “Road House”
• Best Streaming Offering: “Rebel Ridge” (Netflix)
• Scariest and/or Creepiest Film (tie): “Longlegs” and “Cuckoo”
• Not Awful, but Definitely Overrated Film: “Furiosa: A Mad Max Saga”
• Funniest Film of 2024 (tie): “Brothers” and “Boy Kills World” (but no real great comedies seen, if honest)
• Best Visuals: “Dune: Part 2”
• Least Intimidating or Believable Tough Guy in an Action Film: Anya Taylor-Joy in “Furiosa: A Mad Max Saga”
• Best Actor/Actress Playing a Character You Couldn’t Stand: Kieran Culkin in “A Real Pain”
• Film that Forced the Most Salty Discharge from the Eyes (tie): “All of Us Strangers” and “We Live in Time”
• Worst Fake Accent (tie): Margaret Qualley in “Drive-Away Dolls” and Jodie Comer in “The Bikeriders”
• Probably Not as Awful as My Brain Makes It Seem, but Definitely Overrated: “Gladiator 2”