Provo,UT – Despite investing millions of dollars over the past two decades, Ancestry.com co-founder Paul Allen reported late Wednesday that he has still been unable to track down any information that would support the commonly held belief that he has, at one time or another, had relatives of any kind.

Allen, who along with college classmate Dan Taggart co-founded the website that would become Ancestry.com back in 1990, has reportedly crashed the company’s multi-million dollar server system over two dozen times in the futile attempt to trace his lineage to a parent, sibling, grandparent, or sixth cousin twice-removed. His failed attempts at familial connection have reportedly cost his otherwise flourishing online venture — listed as the largest for-profit genealogy company in the world — nearly 23.1 million dollars.

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Tallahasee, FL – Amateur magician Kenny Bartells successfully completed his first major disappearing act on Tuesday evening by making eHarmony date Lori Dentmore unexpectedly vanish from their table at TGI Friday’s a mere moments before the pair’s order of Tuscan Spinach Dip arrived at the table.

Bartells, who has been sporadically performing at children’s birthday parties and corporate retreats in the greater Tallahassee area since late 2010, was on his first date with Dentmore, whom he had met via the multi-million-member dating site eHarmony a week earlier.

Arriving in his customary black suit and red dress shirt, Bartells is said to have started performing tricks shortly after the novice online daters were seated.

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Dayton, OH – Members of the Occupy Chili’s movement were stunned Tuesday to learn that protest organizer Gerald Atwell was also working as an assistant manager at the national restaurant chain’s Dayton location.

Atwell, who first launched Occupy Chili’s via Facebook back in September, was largely responsible for drawing local attention to the movement. Armed with a mission of ensuring that all Americans receive equal opportunity to partake in Chili’s ever-expanding menu of flavorful entrees and delicious desserts, the movement had recently grown to just over fourteen members, all Caucasian, ranging from ages 36-39.

Until recently, movement members met nightly at the Dayton restaurant to discuss protest strategies and snack on a wide variety of items from Chili’s “Any-tizers” menu of loaded potato skins, mozzarella sticks, and boneless chicken wings. With the news of Atwell’s involvement with Chili’s coming to light, movement members unanimously voted to strip Atwell of all organizational power and reduce the number of meetings held at the restaurant to four a week.

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There are a million stories originating in the cramped, sweaty confines of the Route 375 commuter bus. Some bring about smiles and laughter. Some bring about tears and pain. And some make you wish you knew how to build a time machine so you could go back to college, make yourself pay more attention in Econ 101, get a higher-paying job, and not have to ride the fucking bus in the first place.

Like I say, a million stories.

What you’re about to read is the story — via timeline — of Smelly Tomato and the Vine-Ripened Breath. It is a story of one man’s 43-minute battle with his senses.

[The following timeline is an approximation of the minute-by-minute torture forced upon me by a vengeful God intent on punishing me for not attending church regularly.]

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Menomonee Falls, WI – Kohl’s employees nationwide are preparing for what many retail experts believe to be the most ambitious one-time-only sale in the Wisconsin-based retail giant’s very recent history.

Taking place from September 30 – October 2, the first-ever Six Weeks Until The Weekend Before Black Friday Super Bonus Savings Extraveganza Sale has employees and customers alike on the edge of their seats.

“We are pleased to announce that, for only the second time in the past ten days, Kohl’s will be holding a one-time-only sale of mega-proportions,” said Annette Zellner, the company’s Director of Communications. “Discounts will be so big that customers NOT buying something very well could see a big hit on their credit reports.”

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Minneapolis, MN – On Tuesday, Minneapolis Mayor R.T. Rybak announced plans for the city-wide expansion of an innovative and wildly successful method for identifying and branding Minneapolis’ most notorious and elusive urban douchebags.

Implemented by Rybak and Minneapolis city council members in June 2009 amidst widely voiced criticism, the Douchebag Indentification System (DIS) was the first program in the nation to use strategically placed bicycle kiosks to attract, tag and track previously unidentified douchebags.

Over 300 of the oddly shaped, brightly colored bicycles, referred to as “Spazzers,” were strategically placed throughout downtown Minneapolis and made available for a nominal fee to anyone willing to risk being seen riding one. Offending douchebags were then tracked by DIS enforcement officers, apprehended, tagged, and released back into the general public.

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Emporia, KS – The much-maligned Topeka church group responsible for protesting at over 200 military funerals across the U.S. issued a public apology on Tuesday to the millions of Americans who have lost loved ones to non-military deaths in the past year.

“We would like to extend our heart-felt apologies to the people of this great nation for the pain we have inflicted,” said Westborough Baptist Church pastor Frederick Phelpps, in a prepared statement. “Our strict focus on punishing the families of those who have lost their loved ones in the war has caused us to unintentionally neglect those who have died from natural, non-military causes.”

While celebrating the Supreme Court’s recent ruling declaring funeral protests “free speech,” Phelpps and his congregation came to the sobering realization that their protests had been too narrowly focused, neglecting millions of American mourners of the privilege of being told that God hates their loved ones, as well.

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In a move meant to bolster Target’s already impressive share of the domestic retail market, the Minneapolis-based retail giant announced over the weekend that it has opened new locations inside twenty-five currently operating Kmart stores.

Target’s move into the still-occupied and operating Kmart retail space occurred this past Friday at over two dozen randomly selected locations across the U.S. and Canada, with hundreds of Target employees rushing through the front doors, barking orders through high-powered megaphones, and shooting flare guns randomly throughout the store.

The move—described by one retail industry insider as “more emotionally jarring than 9/11 and Pearl Harbor combined”—took both Kmart employees and customers by complete surprise.

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I am but a lonely traveler. One man existing amidst the commuting masses, each of us navigating the interstate in an attempt to escape the shackles and chains of our employ and find our peace in the place nearest and dearest to our hearts. Home.

My chariot is the Route 375 express bus, an accordion-shaped vessel with mysteriously stained seats, a potpourri of varied body odors, and a suspension that exists only in the imagination.

Our driver? He is a stoic veteran of the roadways. With greased-back black hair and an eye so lazy it collects welfare, he is the ultimate possessor of fates. The determining factor between on-time arrival and late pick-up fees at child care. His skill, or lack thereof, can mean the difference between stepping off the bus in daylight or the darkness of night. Never has so much power been bestowed upon someone with a uniform so uninspiring.

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