St. Paul, MN – Responding to the St. Paul Public School district’s announcement that the average class size increased for the third straight year in 2010, teachers union officials held a press conference Monday calling for an immediate reduction in student sizes.

According to a study conducted by the Education Today, the average St. Paul public school per-class size increased by an average of 3.2 students from 2008 to 2010. And while the SPFT understands that larger class sizes are a necessary evil in the cash-strapped district, they are insisting that steps need to be taken to ensure that more students doesn’t necessarily translate into a larger overall student body mass.

“For years, Minnesota teachers have been seeing the number of students per classroom increase to the point where we’re running out of places to put them,” said St. Paul Federation of Teachers (SPFT) president Charles Ockwagon. “If the City of St. Paul is going to continue ask us to put more students in our classrooms each year, then this union is going to require that those students be substantially smaller in physical stature than current students. Simple as that.”

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Chicago, IL – Following his team’s impressive 35-24 victory over the Seattle Seahawks on Sunday, Chicago Bears quarterback Jay Cutler told reporters that he will prepare for the NFC Championship game against the Green Bay Packers the way he always has: by being a complete and utter prick.

“As the self-appointed leader of this team, I don’t have the luxury of basking in the glow of today’s victory for very long,” said a snarky, downright rude Cutler. “I only have a handful of days to alienate the media and fans and behave like a spoiled, egotistical dink before the Packers come to town. And wasting my time talking to you guys isn’t helping any.”

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Kim Jong-il takes in a private screening of Little Fockers with his kitties, Mr. Purrs-a-Lot (on left) and Kitty Precious Paws.

Pyongyang, North Korea – North Korean leader Kim Jong-il announced Tuesday that his nation is no longer considering military action against South Korea, following a fun-filled date night with his palace cats, Mr. Purrs-a-Lot and Kitty Precious Paws.

North Korea’s most recent threat of action had come after South Korea announced its plans to move forward with previously scheduled military exercises off the west coast of the Korean peninsula. However, Kim’s private screening of Little Fockers with his cats on Monday evening seemed to substantially alter his stance on retaliatory military action against his neighbors to the south.

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The following epic tale is based on real events that took place on December 31, 2010 at the Oakdale LA Fitness. While the identities of those involved have either been altered or omitted to protect the innocent, the pain endured will live on forever.

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Minnetonka, MN – Three-time divorcee Lynette Mulbach refused to console her 7-year-old son Justin last week after he announced his first-ever dumping at the hands of girlfriend Kayla Lindstrom.

Citing a hectic work schedule, two loads of laundry yet to be done, and three ex-husbands who taught her that love was nothing but a horrid, debilitating illusion, Mulbach refused to give any weight to the recent demise of her 2nd-grader’s failed relationship.

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James Badge Dale looks as perplexed as many that “Rubicon” was cancelled after one season.

Did you hear? The world as we know it is about to end. Very soon economies will crash, dogs will mate with bears, doctors will discover that break-dancing is the cure for cancer, and Christina Aguilera will win an Oscar for singing like a wounded bison in “Burlesque.” So, put your affairs in order and make peace with those you have wronged, for this world’s egg-timer is about to ding.

Don’t believe me? Well, maybe you should suspend your disbelief until you hear my proof. Yes, there is proof. And it comes in the form of the news that on-the-rise cable network AMC has announced the cancellation of the wonderfully intelligent intelligence drama “Rubicon” after just one season.

I know, I know. Calm down. Take the loaded pistol away from your temple and pull the children out of the oven. A murder-suicide will get you nowhere. We must all face this inevitable end with dignity. Plus, this week’s episode of AMC’s “The Walking Dead” looks fucking amazing, so there’s that.

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