Minneapolis, MN – On Tuesday, Minneapolis Mayor R.T. Rybak announced plans for the city-wide expansion of an innovative and wildly successful method for identifying and branding Minneapolis’ most notorious and elusive urban douchebags.

Implemented by Rybak and Minneapolis city council members in June 2009 amidst widely voiced criticism, the Douchebag Indentification System (DIS) was the first program in the nation to use strategically placed bicycle kiosks to attract, tag and track previously unidentified douchebags.

Over 300 of the oddly shaped, brightly colored bicycles, referred to as “Spazzers,” were strategically placed throughout downtown Minneapolis and made available for a nominal fee to anyone willing to risk being seen riding one. Offending douchebags were then tracked by DIS enforcement officers, apprehended, tagged, and released back into the general public.

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Emporia, KS – The much-maligned Topeka church group responsible for protesting at over 200 military funerals across the U.S. issued a public apology on Tuesday to the millions of Americans who have lost loved ones to non-military deaths in the past year.

“We would like to extend our heart-felt apologies to the people of this great nation for the pain we have inflicted,” said Westborough Baptist Church pastor Frederick Phelpps, in a prepared statement. “Our strict focus on punishing the families of those who have lost their loved ones in the war has caused us to unintentionally neglect those who have died from natural, non-military causes.”

While celebrating the Supreme Court’s recent ruling declaring funeral protests “free speech,” Phelpps and his congregation came to the sobering realization that their protests had been too narrowly focused, neglecting millions of American mourners of the privilege of being told that God hates their loved ones, as well.

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In a move meant to bolster Target’s already impressive share of the domestic retail market, the Minneapolis-based retail giant announced over the weekend that it has opened new locations inside twenty-five currently operating Kmart stores.

Target’s move into the still-occupied and operating Kmart retail space occurred this past Friday at over two dozen randomly selected locations across the U.S. and Canada, with hundreds of Target employees rushing through the front doors, barking orders through high-powered megaphones, and shooting flare guns randomly throughout the store.

The move—described by one retail industry insider as “more emotionally jarring than 9/11 and Pearl Harbor combined”—took both Kmart employees and customers by complete surprise.

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