Long-Lost “Chronicles of Narnia: Bastard’s Delight” Book to Be Adapted to Film

Fans of C.S. Lewis’ Chronicles of Narnia series of books and films received unexpected news on Tuesday when Fox Studios officially greenlit plans to release a film-adaptation of the author’s long-lost final installment The Chronicles of Narnia: Bastard’s Delight.

The storyline in Bastard’s Delight revolves around the closing of Narnia’s only abortion clinic by King Terian’s royal council and the ripple effect it has on the magical kingdom’s drug and prostitution rings.

Believing in the rights of all creatures to prematurely terminate an unplanned pregnancy, Peter, Lucy, Eustace, Polly, and Jill set out on a mission to capture the mystical Golden Veto needed to overrule the king’s proposed bill. While on their journey, however, they face a number of seemingly insurmountable obstacles, including Peter’s growing dependence on Percocet, ongoing litigation in Lucy’s unresolved bankruptcy case, and a group orgy that threatens to keep the young adventurers busy for days.

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Tales from Route 375: Gigantor and the Open Seat

I am but a lonely traveler. One man existing amidst the commuting masses, each of us navigating the interstate in an attempt to escape the shackles and chains of our employ and find our peace in the place nearest and dearest to our hearts. Home.

My chariot is the Route 375 express bus, an accordion-shaped vessel with mysteriously stained seats, a potpourri of varied body odors, and a suspension that exists only in the imagination.

Our driver? He is a stoic veteran of the roadways. With greased-back black hair and an eye so lazy it collects welfare, he is the ultimate possessor of fates. The determining factor between on-time arrival and late pick-up fees at child care. His skill, or lack thereof, can mean the difference between stepping off the bus in daylight or the darkness of night. Never has so much power been bestowed upon someone with a uniform so uninspiring.

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St. Paul Teachers Union Demands Smaller Student Sizes

b4c73-school2bchildrenSt. Paul, MN – Responding to the St. Paul Public School district’s announcement that the average class size increased for the third straight year in 2010, teachers union officials held a press conference Monday calling for an immediate reduction in student sizes.

According to a study conducted by the Education Today, the average St. Paul public school per-class size increased by an average of 3.2 students from 2008 to 2010. And while the SPFT understands that larger class sizes are a necessary evil in the cash-strapped district, they are insisting that steps need to be taken to ensure that more students doesn’t necessarily translate into a larger overall student body mass.

“For years, Minnesota teachers have been seeing the number of students per classroom increase to the point where we’re running out of places to put them,” said St. Paul Federation of Teachers (SPFT) president Charles Ockwagon. “If the City of St. Paul is going to continue ask us to put more students in our classrooms each year, then this union is going to require that those students be substantially smaller in physical stature than current students. Simple as that.”

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9.5 Reasons The Green Bay Packers Will Never Be America’s Team

1. Seven out of ten paraplegics living in the U.S. today list former Packer safety Chuck Cecil as the reason they are paralyzed.

2. While no concrete evidence of Bart Starr’s involvement in the bombing of Pearl Harbor exists, we all know better.

3. A hot tub + teenage girls + Mark Chmura = rape soup.

4. Aaron Rodgers insists the lyrics he gave Christina Aguilera for the national anthem on Sunday are correct.

5. Any team that will callously turn its back on Brett Favre – a man who epitomizes loyalty, decisiveness, and etiquette in texting – cannot be trusted.

6. It is highly unlikely that our founding fathers would view Najeh Davenport taking a dump in a college student’s clothes hamper as patriotic.

7. Americans do not approve of former Packer safety Mossy Cade sexually assaulting his aunt. (They do, however, approve of his nickname “The Aunteater.”)

8. While he agrees that there is no “I” in team, Packer linebacker Clay Matthews Jr. is adamant that there is an “L” and two “Qs.”

9. Until the Packers snort more coke than Michael Irvin, fill a van with more weed than Nate Newton, or expose themselves to more female reporters than Charles Haley, they will never wrestle the title of “America’s Team” away from the Dallas Cowboys.

9.5. While 92% of Packer fans believe in God, he believes in less than 6% of them.

Perfect Sequel, Thy Name Is Major League 4

This past weekend, while flipping through the seemingly endless array of highly addictive visual garbage on my television, I stumbled upon a true classic from the sports movie genre. A film for the ages, if you will. Yes, I’m speaking of Major League.

Much like its motion picture peers — Citizen Kane, The Godfather, and The Adventures of Pluto Nash — Major League pulls at every emotion simultaneously, all while introducing the world to a cast of characters unlike any seen before, or since, on the silver screen.

The timeless story of a rag-tag group of quasi-professional baseball players who beat the odds (and the Yankees), Major League was followed by two very underwhelming sequels, both of which could very well have damaged the franchise beyond repair. Unless, that is, a visionary director with talents on par with Martin Scorsese or Orson Welles is willing to risk it all to ensure that the following sequel is made into Hollywood gold.

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Cutler Prepares for NFC Championship By Being a Miserable Prick

Chicago, IL – Following his team’s impressive 35-24 victory over the Seattle Seahawks on Sunday, Chicago Bears quarterback Jay Cutler told reporters that he will prepare for the NFC Championship game against the Green Bay Packers the way he always has: by being a complete and utter prick.

“As the self-appointed leader of this team, I don’t have the luxury of basking in the glow of today’s victory for very long,” said a snarky, downright rude Cutler. “I only have a handful of days to alienate the media and fans and behave like a spoiled, egotistical dink before the Packers come to town. And wasting my time talking to you guys isn’t helping any.”

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9.5 Reasons Not To Let John Goodman Date Your Mom


1. King Ralph royalties will barely cover the cable bill

2. Will spend your inheritance on Jack Daniels and Pillsbury Toaster Strudel

3. His audition tape for lead role in Black Swan contains inordinate amount of cursing

4. Insists on only buying jewelry that contains conflict diamonds

5. Has yet to apologize for what he did to those nerds at Adams College

6. Favorite breakfast food is Thanksgiving dinner

7. Reportedly believes in creationist evolution

8. The actor who played DJ on Roseanne still lives with him

9. It’s difficult to fall asleep to Blues Brothers lullabies and shitty harmonica playing

9.5. He prefers to be on top

Wrongly Accused: 5 Reasons Ray Pruit Was Right

As the lead singer of Nazareth sang so many years ago, “Love hurts.” For Ray Pruit, those words would become something of a calling card.

A working class musician with a slight temper problem, Ray dated Beverly Hills temptress Donna Martin from 1994-1996. A fish out of water amongst the affluent 90210 residents, Ray always felt like an outsider attempting to pry his way into the life of the woman he loved. This insecurity often led Ray to fits of jealousy and rage. Fits that would lead to the most regrettable action of his life.

In the summer of 1995, Ray let his often-erratic temper get the best of him during an argument with Donna. In Palm Springs for an the Alpha/KEG convention, the couple became embroiled in an argument at the hotel regarding the lack of attention being paid to Ray by Donna. The confrontation moved outside the hotel, finally reaching its boiling point just below the staircase leading up to their room. 

While attempting to evade Ray’s jealous ravings, Donna made her way up the stairs, only to be followed by her furious boyfriend. After a brief exchange midway up the stairs, Donna would find herself flying down the staircase, finishing the fall with a poorly executed landing on the concrete landing below (see video below).

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