Kim Jong-il Softens Stance On South Korea Following Date Night With Cats

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Kim Jong-il takes in a private screening of Little Fockers with his kitties, Mr. Purrs-a-Lot (on left) and Kitty Precious Paws.

Pyongyang, North Korea – North Korean leader Kim Jong-il announced Tuesday that his nation is no longer considering military action against South Korea, following a fun-filled date night with his palace cats, Mr. Purrs-a-Lot and Kitty Precious Paws.

North Korea’s most recent threat of action had come after South Korea announced its plans to move forward with previously scheduled military exercises off the west coast of the Korean peninsula. However, Kim’s private screening of Little Fockers with his cats on Monday evening seemed to substantially alter his stance on retaliatory military action against his neighbors to the south.

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Smelly New Year! A Horror Story

The following epic tale is based on real events that took place on December 31, 2010 at the Oakdale LA Fitness. While the identities of those involved have either been altered or omitted to protect the innocent, the pain endured will live on forever.

It is a quiet winter morning, seemingly like any other. The snow resting atop the unlit neon letters of the LA Fitness sign serves as a stark reminder that the coldest months of the season still lay ahead. Our hero, still fighting a noble battle against the remaining yawns of the previous night’s slumber, walks through the front doors of the gym, a place where mere mortals may enter, but only gods and goddesses will exit.

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Little Boy’s Broken Heart Fails to Affect Mother in Even the Smallest Way

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Minnetonka, MN – Three-time divorcee Lynette Mulbach refused to console her 7-year-old son Justin last week after he announced his first-ever dumping at the hands of girlfriend Kayla Lindstrom.

Citing a hectic work schedule, two loads of laundry yet to be done, and three ex-husbands who taught her that love was nothing but a horrid, debilitating illusion, Mulbach refused to give any weight to the recent demise of her 2nd-grader’s failed relationship.

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WikiLeaks Releases Video Of Urkel’s Failed Terrorist Plot

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Chicago, IL – A previously classified video tying Family Matters‘ star Steve Urkel to an attempted hijacking of a Delta Airlines flight in early 2010 was released to the public by WikiLeaks on Wednesday.

The shocking video, which was distributed to news outlets across the globe, shows a suspender-clad Urkel in handcuffs while TSA agents at Chicago’s O’Hare International Airport attempt to defuse a homemade bomb found in his carry-on bag. The bomb was rendered useless moments later.

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Five Un-Holiday Movies To Get You in the Spirit of the Season

The winter holiday season is the perfect time of year to hunker down with family and friends, pop some popcorn, and surrender to the ever-enjoyable world of movies. After all, it’s cold outside, you’re with the ones you love and you’ve most likely eaten enough food to make it impossible to move more than three feet without soiling yourself.

For decades, countless holiday celebrations have included a healthy helping of Christmas Vacation, White Christmas, and A Christmas Story, and countless other holiday-inspired films. But while these films do a wonderful job communicating the messages of joy, love, and laughter, there are many pertinent messages that fall by the wayside by the time the final credits roll. Messages that need to be taken in by the masses during this happiest of seasons.

With that in mind, here is a list of films that may not strike you at first glance as “must watch movies” for the holiday season, but will have you praying to Santa for the BluRay editions in no time:

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Injury-Riddled Vikings Turn to A.C. Slater

Minneapolis, MN – With the status of injured quarterbacks Brett Favre and Tarvaris Jackson uncertain for Monday night’s division tilt against the Chicago Bears, the Minnesota Vikings made a stunning move Wednesday, signing former Bayside High School quarterback A.C. Slater to a 10-year, 94-million dollar contract Wednesday.

Born Albert Clifford Slater, the man now known as A.C. last played quarterback and running back for the top-rated Bayside Tigers from 1990 to 1993.

A three-sport star at Bayside high school, Slater was viewed by college scouts across the country as the #1 rated quarterback recruit in the nation in the early 90s. His 1993 season totals of 22,850 yards passing, 12,825 yards rushing, and 8,750 receiving remain a single-season record in California. Despite those gaudy statistics and scholarship offers from every Division I football program in the country, Slater inexplicably turned away from the sport he loved, instead choosing to pursue a career in the arts.

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Local Band Hears "One More Song" Chant After First Song of Night

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Jared Tooney, lead singer of Piss Cannon, attempts to drown out the crowd’s chants to cease playing.

St. Paul, MN – Breaking their own unwritten rule of ignoring fan requests during performances, Twin Cities hardcore trio Piss Cannon cut their show at Ted’s Bar short after those in attendance started chanting “ONE MORE SONG!” a mere five minutes into their first set.

After finishing a slightly off-key performance of their opening song, the fist-pumping anthem “You Can’t Break Wind with a Hammer,” the marginally talented musicians from St. Paul were swapping out guitars when bar patron Derrick Longley started chanting the phrase usually reserved for an act’s final encore. In a matter of seconds, the crowd of just under a dozen concert-goers joined in with Longley’s chant, harmonizing and stomping their feet as they did.

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New Gopher Football Coach Vows to Resurrect Once-Proud Hockey Program

Minneapolis, MN – In a press conference announcing his hiring Monday, new University of Minnesota football coach Jerry Kill enthusiastically outlined a detailed plan to transform the university’s struggling men’s hockey program into a perennial national championship contender.

“Let me make one thing perfectly clear,” stated Kill when asked about his goals for the upcoming season. “I’m coming to the University of Minnesota with one goal and one goal only. And that is to bring the Minnesota Gopher hockey program back to the top of the heap.”

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