Several Target Field employees have witnessed the late owner evacuating his otherworldly bowels on the field he helped build but was never able to see while alive.

Minneapolis, MN – An apparition resembling late-Minnesota Twins owner Carl Pohlad was reportedly spotted defecating on the Target Field pitching mound late Sunday evening, according to employees of the organization.

While the events of Sunday evening are still under investigation, initial reports indicate that assistant groundskeeper Larry Prentice was in the process of removing a build-up of ice over the third-base dugout at about 9 pm when he witnessed a “spirit-like” figure extricate his bowels on the pitching rubber.

“When I first walked onto the field, it looked like someone had just blown a cloud of smoke over the pitching mound,” said a visibly shaken Prentice. “As I looked more closely, though, the cloud took the shape of Mr. Pohlad. I couldn’t believe my eyes at first, but then there he was floating above the mound like an angel.”

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Dear followers of the Purple and Gold,

It is with great sadness that I write this letter. As of Monday, November 22, 2010, I will no longer be the coach of the Minnesota Vikings. The Wilf family, in their shared wisdom, has decided to move this proud franchise in another direction. While I will miss the players with whom I have developed a shared appreciation for the Vikings’ legacy, I find myself not in a state of regret, but rather in a state of deep pride and thankfulness.

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Woodbury, MN — An increased workload and recent threats of company-wide layoffs kept local insurance executive Andrew Blankenship from loudly berating and belittling his 6-year-old son Connor during his youth hockey game on Wednesday evening.

The game between the Woodbury Red team (1-11) and the Woodbury Blue team (10-1) marked the first time Blankenship was not in the stands showering his son with a crowd-pleasing combination of unfounded criticisms and profanity-laced personal attacks, a milestone not lost on the plucky second-grader.

“It made my heart cry tears when I didn’t hear my daddy screaming in the bleachers,” said Connor, a fifth-string center on the Woodbury Red squad. “He always makes my friends laugh real hard when he yells for me to pull my head out of my ass or screams ‘Connor sucks dog tits!’ as loud as he can. It makes me feel special, because my friend Andy’s dad just sits there and claps.”

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