Minnesota Timberwolves’ First-Ever “Blind Appreciation Night” A Rousing Success

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Blind ticket holder John Cassel’s view of the court at Thursday’s game.

Searching for innovative ways to attract an increasingly disinterested local fan base, the Minnesota Timberwolves implemented a “Blind  Appreciation Night” promotion for Thursday night’s game—a demoralizing 122-64 loss to the Utah Jazz.

The new promotion—the first of its kind in NBA history—provided all blind patrons with free obstructed-view seats, 50% off all misprinted Timberwolves apparel, a private meet-and-greet with a man claiming to be team owner Glen Taylor, and all-you-can-eat Snausages for all seeing-eye dogs in attendance.

“For quite some time now, the Timberwolves have been putting a remarkably unwatchable product out to consumers,” said Melissa Martell, Timberwolves VP of Marketing. “We figured it was time to reach out to a demographic that could enjoy the game without having to actually see the atrocities taking place on the court. After all, hearing bad basketball isn’t nearly as haunting as seeing it.”

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Top Big Screen Flicks of 2014: So Sayeth I

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If I were to compare the year in movies to a sickly animal, I would call 2014 a legless kitten. You’re sad that there’s not more to love, but what there is too love is so damn cute you can’t help but smile. Sure, it might be more fun to dissect the worst movies of 2014 (“Ride Along”, “I, Frankenstein”, “Robocop”, “Anchorman 2”, “Noah,” and “Divergent”, to name a handful), but I would like to provide a positive take on movies before the calendar turns over. I know, I’m as freaked out by this as anyone!

Anyway, here are my top ten films of 2014*:

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9.5 Reasons Nick Nolte Should Not Be Allowed to Represent the U.S. as a Figure Skater at the Sochi Olympics


1. Coughing up blood while on the ice is an automatic ½ point deduction (per instance).

2. He still calls “48 Hours” co-star Eddie Murphy twice a week to call him the N-word.

3. Multiple doubles skating partners have quit due to Nolte’s continued refusal to cut his fingernails.

4. The march at the opening ceremony is a quarter-mile longer than Nolte has walked in the last ten years combined.

5. His insistence on performing in a Orange Crush t-shirt and long-underwear bottoms.

6. Wandering around the Olympic Village offering blowjobs for cocaine violates Russia’s new anti-gay propaganda laws.

7. His skates are actually an old pair of steel-toed boots with the word “figure skaytes” written in Sharpie.

8. His petition to have Nelson Mandela buried in a prison graveyard have not been well-received by the international community.

9. He experiences violent seizures when reminded of his sex scenes with Barbara Streisand in “Prince of Tides.”

9.5. Each of the moves in his routine includes a brief sneak peek of his wiener.

Calgon Founder Charged With Kidnapping Over 2 Million Bathing Women

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Laura Vento, above, claims to have been abducted from bathtub by Calgon in 1984. She  served as a truck stop “masseuse” until her rescue in 2012.

Pittsburgh, PA — Benjamin Calgon, founder of Calgon, Inc., the eight largest bath and beauty product company in the world, was arrested on Thursday on charges that he had abducted and abused 2.1 million women from their bathtubs over the past four-plus decades.

Known for its commercials that had stressed women uttering the phrase “Calgon, take me away!” (click here), the Calgon company is believed to have been used as a front for its founder’s complex, often violent, kidnapping and sex-trafficking operation since 1968. Victims were allegedly removed from their tubs in large flying bubbles and forced to work as migrant farmers or truck-stop prostitutes.

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Jeff Tweedy To Use Sandwiches As Microphones On Upcoming Wilco Tour

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Jeff Tweedy sings “Art of Almost” into a ham and cheddar sandwich during a recent show in Tulsa.

Chicago, IL — Wilco frontman Jeff Tweedy has reached an agreement with a Chicago-based catering company to replace each of his microphones with assorted deli sandwiches for the band’s upcoming tour. As part of the six-figure agreement, Tweedy’s mic stand will now be topped with a rotating selection of ham- and turkey-based offerings, each adjusted to the proper height to allow the plump indie-rock legend to take in-song bites with minimal effort.

Designed by Tweedy himself, the new “sandwich mic” is believed to be the first in a series of radical on-stage innovations designed to ensure the increasingly obese musician is never more than eight steps away from food. Other steps include replacing the guts of his amps with potato salad, using guitar strings made of black licorice, and filling his on-stage water bottles with beef gravy.

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Somali Pirates Unsuccessfully Hijack Flex Seal Boat

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Flex Seal spokesman Phil Swift reportedly killed four pirates before abandoning ship.

Okemah, OK — A group of heavily armed Somali pirates were killed on Saturday afternoon, following a failed attempt to hijack the famous Flex Seal “screen door” boat on Okemah Lake. The deceased pirates, none of whom were apparently able to even tread water, are believed to be the same group that had taken part in a number of bloody oil tanker hijackings off the horn of Africa in recent months.

Captained by Flex Seal spokesman Phil Swift, the screen door boat was on a standard test run on Saturday when it was approached by a large speed boat carrying 13 Somalian males armed with AK-47s and machetes. After a nearly three-hour chase, during which Swift expertly evaded the Somalians with a series of shifty paddling maneuvers, the Somalian vessel eventually snagged the craft with grappling hooks.

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Djokovic Celebrates Australian Open Championship By Pooping On Court

Melbourne, Australia — Four-time Australian Open champion Novak Djokovic’s thrilling four-set victory over Olympic gold medalist Andy Murray on Sunday had many in attendance holding their breath. His victory celebration had others wishing they had.

Following his game-winning point against Murray, Djokovic stunned the capacity crowd at Melbourne Park by squatting near the baseline, gripping his racquet tightly in his left hand, and shitting on the trademark blue playing surface. The only hitch in his celebration occurred when the Serbian champion forgot to pull his shorts down prior to releasing his bowels. 

“I had been preparing so long and hard for the tennis portion of the day, that I let the focus on my celebration slip and forgot to pull down my drawers,” said the playfully dejected Djokovic. “Luckily, the loose shorts I was wearing allowed a few of the smaller nuggets to roll out unencumbered, which eased my mind a bit. After that, I just stretched the fabric away from my legs and let loose the dogs of war.”

While unprepared for Djokovic’s display, tournament officials were able to keep the court relatively clean by having ball boys repeatedly sprint by and scoop up each piece of feces as it hit the ground.

For his part, runner-up Murray responded to the loss—and Djokovic’s unconventional celebration—with the same dignity and grace that has helped transform him into a British hero.

“Like all of the major champions before him, Novak has earned the right to celebrate however he sees fit,” said Murray. “Bjorn Borg used to berate his wife in public after a win. Agassi committed arson after the ’99 French Open. McEnroe would just flat out stab people. For Novak, Novak pooping equals excellence.”

If Wars Were Fought With Squat Thrusts Instead of Guns, The World Would Be Much Safer And Have Amazing Quad Muscles


“There are causes worth dying for, but none worth killing for.” 

― Albert Camus
 
For as long as the human species has walked the planet, conflict has arisen from the smoldering ashes of its existence. Whether land or love, power or prejudice, man has rarely found himself without a reason— perceived worthwhile or otherwise—to bear arms against another. But what if, instead of just bearing arms, soldiers were also to bear their legs, hips and a rapid outward kicking motion.

Here are five irrefutable reasons why military leaders across the globe should strongly consider replacing their deadly methods of waging war with the world’s most underrated calisthenic—the squat thrust. 

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9.5 Reasons Not to Enter Into a “Friends With Benefits” Relationship With Betty White

 

1. While she looks like a sweet older woman, White regularly beats stray dogs to death with a rock-filled sock.
 
2. She won’t allow you to climax until you name the opening day starting line-up of every New York Yankees team since she was born.
 
3. She poops in her sleep more often than she doesn’t.

4. Bea Arthur’s ghost resides in White’s vagina.

5. Her “late-night” booty calls usually take place at around 7:45 p.m.

6. After sex, White will most likely try to convince you that 9/11 was perpetrated by the White House. Not the President of the United States, but the actual building.

7. She already has “Friends with Benefits” arrangements with James Spader, Christopher Walken and Flo from the Progressive commercials.

8. When you eventually fall in love with and propose to White—and trust me, you will—she will answer by playing the laugh-track from the “Mary Tyler Moore Show.”

9. She hasn’t used protection since jazz was invented.

9.5. She occasionally breaks the “no cuddling” rule.