Off-Brand Margarita Mix Saves Local Housewife Enough Money to Buy More Off-Brand Margarita Mix

ecb59-dailys-64-oz-green-demon-margarita-mixVicksville, AL – What started out as local housewife Nancy Pert’s attempt to buy three bottles of generic margarita mix at an area Walmart on Thursday turned into a chaotic celebration resulting in a fourth bottle of margarita mix being purchased.

A longtime alcoholic and Walmart patron, Pert was vomiting in the store’s parking lot when she was approached by security, escorted back into the store, and informed that the margarita mix she had just purchased was actually on sale. Upon being handed a $5 bill and some change, Pert reportedly screamed an obscenity, fell into an end-cap display of Maroon 5 CDs, and quickly purchased another bottle of margarita mix.

“At first I thought they were stopping me ’cause they thought I stealed the margarita mix,” said Pert, picking up a used cigarette butt and placing it in her pocket. “Then they told me that I ain’t took all my change. [Burps] When they handed over the money, I said ‘Shit. I’m gonna get me some more mix!'”

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A Post-Election “Fuck You” From Stan Metzler, Recently Re-Elected District 2 Soil And Water Conservation Supervisor

cfd85-imagesOkay, Assholes,

Apparently, none of you read my letter asking—no, begging—you not to vote for me for District 2 Soil and Water Conservation Supervisor. How do I know that? Well, if you had, perhaps I wouldn’t have won re-election by an unprecedented tally of 11,274 votes to 3.

For a frame of reference, Broward County has 9,782 registered voters. That is approximately 1,500 fewer eligible voters than the total vote tally in yesterday’s election. Not only does this mean that just about every single registered voter in this county cast a vote for a guy who wanted nothing to do with the office of District 2 Soil And Water Conservation Supervisor, it also means that a concerted voter fraud effort was perpetrated to ensure that I got stuck monitoring dirt and water for another three years.

It’s probably pointless, but I have to ask “why?” What have I done to deserve this? We all know it has nothing to do with my skills on the conservation front. I can’t reiterate enough how little I could care about water quality and soil erosion. I’d rather suck Elmer’s Glue from an alpaca’s dick than learn about that shit.

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A Plea From Stan Metzler To Not Vote For Stan Metzler As District 2 Soil And Water Conservation Supervisor


Dear Neighbors,

It’s that time once again. Election Day. The time when residents from across Broward County muster all of their courage and convictions as they engage in the purest of civic duties—voting.

Unfortunately for those heroic citizens, each and every one will enter their respective voting booths on Tuesday dead-set on electing a true visionary for the role of District 2 Soil and Water Conservation Supervisor, only to find my name resting ominously on the ballot. That fucking sucks.

That’s right, despite completing a never-ending series of bureaucratic procedures to remove my name from the re-election process for the fourth straight time, the powers-that-be have decided to keep me on this year’s ballot.

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New Gillette Mach 12 Turbo Scares The Living Shit Out Of Whiskers For An Unbelievably Clean Shave

Boston, MA – Gillette, the makers of the revolutionary Mach 3 and Mach 3 Turbo razors for men, have introduced a new shaving technology designed to intimidate facial hair to the point that it will pack its shit and leave your face yesterday.

Sharper than fuck, the Gillette Mach 12 Turbo consists of twelve unpredictably sharp blades carved from the bones of pissed-off American Indian warriors who were forcibly removed from their lands by white settlers in the 1800s. Each blade is rumored to cut whatever the hell it wants, whenever the hell it wants to, leaving men with a shave so close that women will lose their god-damned minds.

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James Bond To Face Off Against Venereal Disease in "Skyfall"

21e2e-skyfall-movie-posterAuric Goldfinger. Dr. Julius No. Francisco Scaramanga.

For over four decades, Britain’s dashing, debonair and deadly super spy James Bond has squared off against the most dangerous criminal masterminds in motion picture history. In the latest installment of the 007 film series, however, the bullet-proof may finally have met his match—genital warts.

Set to be released in November 2012, Skyfall reportedly follows 007 as he attempts to save the world—and his crotch—from a collection of soft growths determined to sprout on the surface skin of the super-spy’s genitals and/or anus. The warts represent the first non-human antagonist to square off against Bond, a risky departure from the tried-and-true formula that has made the film series one of history’s most profitable.

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Obama Concerned With Wall Street’s Alarmingly Low Suicide Rate

Grand Rapids, MI — Addressing supporters at a recent fundraising dinner, President Barrack Obama expressed a growing concern over the continued lack of successful suicide attempts by banking executives on Wall Street. 

“I stand before you today with a heavy heart,” said a visibly weary Obama. “If you would’ve told me three years ago that the suicide rate of U.S. bankers in 2012 would be under 2%, I would’ve called you a fool. Yet here we are, three years later, with fewer dead bankers, brokers and traders than at any time in this nation’s history.”

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Batman and Bane Meet At Denny’s To Discuss The Illegal Immigration Issue

SCENE: GOTHAM DENNY’S – MORNING

Batman enters the restaurant, spots Bane sitting alone in a two-person booth, and walks over to join him.

BATMAN (sitting down): Hey. You been waiting long?

BANE (touching his ear): What’s that?

BATMAN: I asked if you’ve been waiting long?

BANE: Sorry. Didn’t get a word.

BATMAN: Huh?

BANE (louder): I said I can’t understand a word you’re saying.

BATMAN: What does she have to do with it?

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Job Interview Tips For Out-of-Work Dogs

ba1be-fundogs-zxq_-net-dogs-tie-5Finding a job in the present-day economy is a challenge, to say the least. With companies slashing budgets, consolidating duties and moving positions out of the country, each new opening brings with it increased pressures for job candidates.

For canines, the pressures of interviewing can be substantially higher. Shorter life spans, chronic bad breath and a proclivity for most breeds to shed on office furniture puts many dogs at a distinct disadvantage when facing off against humans for a paycheck.

So, what’s a dog to do when interviewing for that perfect job?

POOP BEFORE YOU LEAVE HOME. In a 2011 survey of hiring managers from Fortune 500 companies, just under 70% listed “pooping on my office furniture or carpet” as their biggest complaint regarding applicants. Conversely, only 9% listed it as the thing they look for most in an applicant. While every job interview is a bit of a gamble, those are odds you don’t want to mess with.

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Des Moines Awarded 2030 Winter Olympics On The Condition They Move All Buildings and Residents To A Better City

Des Moines, IA — Local residents took to the streets of Des Moines on Tuesday to celebrate an announcement designating the central Iowa city as the host of the 2030 Winter Olympics, with the stipulation that the entire city be packed and moved to Chicago, Boston or any other American city that people from around the world would actually want to visit.

Following months of speculation, officials from the International Olympic Committee (IOC) announced the surprising decision at a press conference at Des Moines City Hall, marking the first time many international journalists had ever written about, visited or even heard of Iowa.

“It is with great pleasure that the IOC awards the city of Des Moines, IA with the 2030 Winter Olympic Games,” said Jacques Rogge, IOC president. “We have no doubt that once the city is packed and moved to a classier, more appealing destination, it will prove to be one of the best host cities in the history of these proud games.”

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