Don’t You Forget About Them: The Post-Detention Stories of the Breakfast Club

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Bender, Clark, Reynolds, Standish and Johnson in 1984.

In 1984, five unique, yet similar, students gathered at the Shermer High School library on a cold Saturday morning in March to serve detention for their various crimes. Eight hours, one awkward dance scene and several emotional ephiphonies later, each would exit their adolescent prisons with a new outlook on life. They were the Breakfast Club.

For the world outside of that library, the story of these intrepid teenagers ended moments after their sentence was served. For the members of the Breakfast Club, the story was just beginning.

The following are brief snapshots of the lives that emerged from Shermer High School on the fateful day.

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Four Comic Book Characters I Manufactured In My Mind After People-Watching At The Minnesota State Fair

b9346-minnesota-state-fairFANNY PACK
Sex: Male
Age: 44

Backstory: Deathly allergic to using pants pockets since the age of three, Bill Garrison spent years attempting to find a safe, yet stylish, way to transport his everyday valuables. While on vacation in Europe in 1996, Garrison noticed a group of practical American tourists wearing snazzy-looking waist purses that allowed them to freely use their arms while still keeping their valuables close. He purchased his own pack moments later. Like Garrison’s chances of ever getting laid, the rest is history.

Super Power: Fanny Pack doesn’t actually have any super powers, but he does have a shit-load of stuff in his leather belly bag, including bug spray, handy wipes, an Olive Garden gift card, an empty Altoids tin, $6.84 in assorted change and a toothpick that’s still in good enough shape to use again if he needs it.

Mortal Enemy: The year 2012

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KFC To Introduce a New Bowl Filled With Items You’ll See In Your Stool Minutes Later

77ab0-223509119_47914e854cLouisville, KY – In an announcement that has digestive tracts across the country rumbling, Kentucky Fried Chicken (KFC) has announced the September release of a brand new multi-food bowl offering guaranteed to induce immediate, possibly violent, diarrhea.

Following in the tradition of the restaurant chain’s wildly successful Famous Bowl, KFC’s new “Yummtastic Bowl” consists of cream corn, uncooked chicken skin, mop-bucket water and a variety of other unnamed ingredients randomly poured into an inexpensive plastic bowl.

“KFC’s long-standing tradition of providing families with inexpensive meal options, none of which can be proven with 100% certainty to cause diabetes, is alive and well,” said company CEO Dean Kepler. “With the release of this tasty new offering, no longer will hungry Americans need to spend hours attempting to create a mildly edible meal out of tainted, discarded and otherwise-leftover food items. Now, KFC will do it for you!”

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Six Romantic Gifts I’ll Never Be Able to Give the Girl Who Asked Me to Stop Facebook Stalking Her

1. An upgraded XFINITY cable internet subscription. While not a classically romantic gift idea, this one would’ve been key. A slow and/or spotty internet connection is the only reason I can piece together for my lady’s inability to accept even one of my twenty-three initial friend requests. Without a doubt, these missed social media interactions played a key role in her out-of-character reaction to the innocent email I sent asking why she was being a colossally stuck-up whore. Amazing how a few megabytes here or there can so soundly impede true love.

2. A donation in her name to the Special Olympics. Call me crazy, but there is nothing sexier to me than a charitable woman. When I learned via Facebook that the love of my life was volunteering for the Special Olympics Summer Games in Dallas, TX, I just had to show up unannounced and voice my support from the stands every time she helped one of those goofy kids climb over a hurdle or attempt a cartwheel. If appreciation can be judged by the number of times a person points you out to onsite security, it’s fair to say that I scored more than a few points on that day. A ten-spot in her name to the charity would be the least I could do to repay that look in her eyes.

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9.5 Reasons To Avoid Hiring C.C. Deville to Babysit

1. While C.C. readily admits that second-hand smoke can be extremely harmful to children, he believes first-hand smoke actually stimulates their growth.

2. Due to his addiction to Storage Wars reruns, C.C. is unavailable six nights a week from 6 – 11 p.m.

3. Poison recently announced their biggest reunion tour in over a decade, and you don’t want your children anywhere near that many riverboat casinos and county fairs.

4. Approximately 40% of all drug deals end in violence, and 100% of C.C. Deville’s babysitting jobs end with a drug deal.

5. Rumor has it that the lyrics to “Talk Dirty to Me” tell the story of the first—and only—time C.C. was allowed to babysit his nephew.

6. C.C. hates white people.

7. In 1991, Hit Parader reported that C.C. used children’s tears to give his hair the frizz and body that traditional hairspray could not.

8. C.C. requires children under his watch to speak in Navajo when asking for Go-Gurt.

9. Why hire one aging rock star for $5.75 an hour when the entire line-up of Dokken will work for half the price?

9.5. C.C. Deville’s real name is Bruce Johannesson. Find me a single person who has fond childhood recollections of a babysitter named Bruce. That’s what I thought.

Tiger Woods Successfully Dines At Local Perkins Without Sodomizing Even One Waitress

Altamonte Springs, FL – International golf sensation Tiger Woods thrilled dozens of area residents Tuesday evening by showing up at a local Perkins, ordering dinner and then leaving without engaging in violent anal sex with a single member of the restaurant’s female waitstaff.

Woods was infamously alleged to have engaged in rough sex with an Orlando-area Perkins waitress on a number of occasions in 2006 and 2007, just one of many such allegations that led to the end of the golf superstar’s marriage and started a PR nightmare that is just now beginning to wane. Tuesday’s visit to the restaurant chain was his first since the allegations went viral in 2009.

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Love Suits You – Advice Column From The Men’s Warehouse iPhone App

DEAR MEN’S WAREHOUSE iPHONE APP: I’ve been dating my boyfriend Alex for ten years, and he still changes the subject every time I bring up marriage. Am I wasting my time staying with him? — STILL SINGLE

DEAR STILL SINGLE: Every relationship has it’s own unique timeline. While some may progress at a heart-pounding pace, others may inch along like a T-Mobile MyTouch attempting to download another men’s clothing retailer’s smartphone app.

The question you need to ask yourself is: Is my boyfriend worth the wait?

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Christopher Nolan To Release Three "Inception" Sequels Within Two "Inception" Prequels At the Same Time

London, UK – Christopher Nolan, the director known the world around for his dark, complex and visually inventive film-making, is taking his craft to a new level. The mind behind The Dark Knight trilogy, Memento, and The Prestige, has announced plans to simultaneously film three separate sequels to his box office smash Inception and insert each into the plot of two yet-to-be-filmed Inception prequels.

Released in 2010, Inception told the story of Dom Cobb, a thief who commits corporate espionage by infiltrating the dreams of his targets. Starring Leonardo DiCaprio, Ken Watanabee, Joseph Gordon-Levitt and Ellen Page, the film featured a number of sequences where characters entered multiple levels of their subject’s subconscious in order to manipulate their conscious actions.

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