Karate Kid Actor’s Mother Buys Him Yet Another Body Bag for His Birthday

Garrison, moments after his first body-bag request in 1984.

Wheeling, WV — Shaking her head and fighting off tears, the mother of Karate Kid actor Rob Garrison bought her son a body bag for his birthday for the 23rd straight year. The bag, which was purchased from Gary’s Crime Scene Outlet on Tuesday, had been loudly requested by the former teen actor during a contentious phone conversation with Cynthia Garrison back in June.

Garrison, who acted in small roles in a number of 80’s films, received his big break in 1984 when he was cast as the easily excitable Cobra Kai henchman Tommy in the wildly successful film The Karate Kid. The young actor made his most indelible mark on the film during a scene in which a red-faced and smiling Tommy maniacally yells “Get him a body bag! Yeah!” (click here) following an illegal leg strike against the film’s hero, Daniel Larusso.

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Yankees, Jets and Knicks File Restraining Order Against ESPN for Obsessive Coverage

ESPN’s homepage has featured the Yankees’ 2009 World Series victory for 33 straight months.

New York, NY — Attorneys for the New York Jets, New York Yankees and New York Knicks filed an order of protection in federal court on Wednesday against sports media giant ESPN, citing an “unnatural and downright creepy amount of attention” heaped upon the franchises by the billion-dollar media conglomerate’s broadcast, web and print outlets in recent years.

The target of claims of ‘East Coast bias’ for decades, ESPN has ramped up their coverage of New York’s professional sports teams in recent years to a level even the franchises themselves find disconcerting.

Executives from the three famous franchises presented federal judge Barry Vento with 712 boxes of documents and recordings reportedly detailing ESPN’s harassing and invasive behavior since January 2011. Included in the evidence was a video of Chris Berman shaving the Jets logo in his back hair, as well as 42 emails from Buster Olney to Yankees manager Joe Girardi offering to repave his driveway for free.

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Vatican Denounces Same-Sex Dairy Queen Purchases

Partners Steven Balter and Rodrigo Estaban enjoy DQ’s newly taboo dipped cones.

Vatican City — The Roman Catholic Church continued its campaign against homosexuality on Firday, releasing an official denouncement of all same-sex Dairy Queen purchases, to take effect immediately.

According to the Vatican, homosexuals not paying separately for their delicious DQ frozen treats will be in direct contradiction with the millenia-old wishes of the Lord, their God.

Friday’s announcement marks the 4,137th recorded homosexual-related condemnation in the Vatican’s storied history, following its well-publicized opposition to gay marriage and its lesser-known attacks on same-sex tandem biking and same-sex viewing of ITT Tech commercials on DirecTv. While the church has yet to rescind any previous denouncements, it has softened its stance regarding same-sex couples who engage in gay-bashing activities.

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Architect Calls ‘Bullshit’ During Daughter’s Recitation Of Church-Steeple Rhyme

Amanda Matchfield shown here promoting her infamous Church and Steeple design.

Athens, GA – Local architect Andrew Matchfield reported his six-year-old daughter, Amanda, to the Athens Housing Authority (AHA) on Friday for failing to demonstrate adequate permits and city-approved plans during her recitation of the Church-and-Steeple nursery rhyme.

Amanda, a recent second-grade graduate, was reportedly playing in the family’s front yard when a friend asked her to recite the time-honored nursery rhyme to a group of children who had never heard it. Folding her hands together while chanting “Here is the church. Here is the steeple,” the girl was loudly berated by her father as she began to demonstrate how the doors opened to show all the people.

“I love my daughter, but I had to call ‘bullshit’ on her latest project,” said Matchfield over the weekend. “Put simply, her church design was sloppy, unrefined, and, quite frankly, unsafe. Watching her pass it off as a finished product to her friends broke my heart.”

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Argument Between The Couple In That Generic Photo Included With The 5 x 7 Picture Frame At Walmart

FADE IN – MORNING IN A SUNNY FIELD

Man: Mornin’, babe.

Woman: For the millionth time, could you please not call me “babe”? Is that too much to ask?

Man (rolling eyes): Sure. Whatever makes you happy. Don’t suppose you made any coffee?

Woman: Coffee? Really? In all the time we’ve been together, do you remember a single time I’ve made coffee?

Man: I was just asking.

Woman: Yeah, you just ask me every morning. And every single time I just answer “no.”

Man: Okay, I get it.

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Neighborhood Kitten Found Guilty of Being Overly Precious

Witnesses claim Skittle’s kitty breath smells like innocence and angels.

Santa Rosa, CA – Following three days of intense deliberation, members of the Sterling Heights Neighborhood Association Court on Monday found Skittles the Kitten guilty on six counts of being overly precious with the intent to charm and delight.

Skittles, a three-week-old tabby without an owner, was arrested on June 18 after several neighborhood residents spotted the 7-ounce kitten prancing around playfully in the fresh clippings of Linda Feldstein’s recently mowed lawn. According to police reports, the incident was so precious and smile-inducing that neighborhood resident and World War II veteran Gil McAvoy broke into a laughing fit lasting over two hours.

After administering oxygen to McAvoy, neighborhood police initially questioned Skittles and let her off with a warning. However, officers were forced to take the super-soft ball of wonderment into custody after a crowd on angry homeowners armed with water-filled spray bottles attempted to break through police lines and assault the suspect.

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Stink Whispers Movie Vault – The Cowboy Way

The Cowboy Way
Release Date: June 3, 1994
Starring: Woody Harrelson, Kiefer Sutherland, Dylan McDermott
SW Grade: Worse Than a Surprise C-section

A fish out of water tale. That’s what people in the film industry call the type of story that takes a character and places him or her into an environment totally foreign—and often comically strange—to them. It worked wonderfully in Crocodile Dundee. Aussie Paul Hogan never looked or sounded more whacky than while walking down the back alleys of NYC in a leather vest and smile. It worked even better in Back to the Future. Michael J. Fox kissing his mom? What will they think of next? And don’t even get me started on Sylvester Stallone and Estelle Getty in Stop! Or My Mom Will Shoot.

Released in 1994, The Cowboy Way is yet another fine example of the “fish out of water” approach to filmmaking. The fish: two rodeo cowboys. The foreign environment: New York City. I know, I know. Cue the never-ending comedy.

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A Ghost in Every Room: An Essay on Love and Pain

e07ca-4633403-a-sad-man-inside-his-house-crying-into-his-arm Here I sit. A lonely shell of a man. A mere shadow of my former self in the days since you walked out the front door of our house and out of my life forever.

Why you left, God only knows. But since I don’t believe in God, or any other all-powerful deity for that matter, I feel as though the secret of your leaving is cruelly inaccessible to me. Searching for answers is an exercise in romantic futility, and now I’m left with only the pain of the unknown residing deep inside my scarred heart. A pain that may never go away.

The difficult truth is that, while you packed your things and left without a word, your presence somehow remains in every inch of this place you once called home. No matter how hard I try, I cannot escape the bittersweet memories that have ruthlessly tattooed themselves on both the walls of this once-warm abode and those that have now closed off my heart.

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Gary Busey’s Teeth Overtake Gary Busey’s Eyes As Hollywood’s Creepiest Facial Feature‏

Busey’s right eye waves to fans in 2008, while his eye declines.

Hollywood, CA – Editors at Hollywood Face magazine sent shockwaves through the showbiz industry on Tuesday by naming actor Gary Busey’s bathroom tile-sized teeth as the creepiest celebrity facial feature of 2012, officially replacing 2011’s winner, Gary Busey’s crossed, lazy, and insane-looking eyes.

Busey, who rose to relative fame in the 80s and 90s with supporting roles in Point Break, DC Cab, and Predator 2, was first honored by Hollywood Face in 2003 when the magazine determined that the actor’s eyes seemed to be moved “by a system of winches and pulleys operated by an evil puppeteer living in his forehead.” Before this year, no other celebrity facial feature had come within 200,000 votes of Busey’s spastic eyes.

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NFL Suspends Tebow For Testing Positive for Moral Fiber

Tebow responds to the announcement of his positive moral tests with a “Holy smokerino!”

Florham Park, NJ – The NFL has announced the suspension of New York Jets backup quarterback for five games following reports that the former Heismann Trophy winner tested positive for a generally uplifting attitude and superior moral fortitude.

According to league sources, Tebow was subjected to six random morality tests in the past year, with results coming back glowingly positive each time. The tests performed on Tebow reportedly included a quiz about the Golden Rule, over two dozen smile measurements, and forced screenings of the Kirk Cameron’s film “Left Behind.”

“After conducting our standardized testing on Mr. Tebow, it was revealed that he exhibited moral fiber levels between 300-400% higher than the average player,” said Bill Garrity, the NFL’s chief testing agent. “To put it in perspective, Mr. Tebow’s average test result last year was 596. By comparison, Pacman Jones registered a 3.7 in 2010. In my experience, you don’t see test results that high without some form of moral enhancement being involved.”

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