1. True rock enthusiasts would never decide to arrange their bedroom furniture in an open courtyard (0:01), when there’s a perfectly good covered structure a few feet away.
2. Flaunting the band’s abundance of precious jewels by haphazardly storing them on top of a drum kit (0:04) comes off as braggadocio.
3. If you’re going to feature infants in your video, you should probably avoid babies that look deathly frightened (0:28). We’re talking “stranger danger” frightened.
4. Not even Men Without Hats would put a bunch of feet rubbing together in their videos (0:41). And they had zero shame (see “Safety Dance”)
5. Not to harp on the baby thing, but why would any respectable video director have Jesse holding the naked babies while also being undressed (0:46). Not cool.
6. Look at the size of the knee rips in Jesse’s jeans (0:51). Enough said.
7. Yeah, Stamos. We get it. You and the Beach Boys are tight (0:58). So tight that they agreed to appear in a music video for a fictional band.
8. It’s common knowledge that you never show clips of the black bongo player posing like a jackass, followed by a dance step that would get his anus blown off in South Central LA (1:99).
9. Ending the video with more footage of the terrified babies, followed by Jesse blowing out a candle means one thing: intensive therapy for the rest of those babies’ lives (3:00-3:10).
9.5. The truth is, there is no legitimate reason for the video’s failure, other than to assume that illegal immigrants are somehow to blame.
Fed-Up Corolla Writes "Wash Me" On Prankster’s Acne-Riddled Face
Memphis, TN – Frustrated by the constant stream of hurtful taunts written on his dirty windows, James Burton’s 2008 Toyota Corolla took revenge Sunday evening by writing “wash me” on teenager Brandon Peltner’s blemish-filled face while he slept.
Peltner, a high school freshman with chronic skin problems, has lived across the street from the fuel-efficient compact car since 2008. In recent years, he has been witnessed writing a variety of wash-related taunts on the Corolla’s dirty side and rear windows.
According to neighbors, things came to head on the evening of June 3, 2012, at which time Peltner reportedly wrote “If you think my car is dirty, you should see my balls,” referencing the private parts of the car’s owner.
A Letter from Tinkers the Cat to Gus the Dog Regarding the Mystery Poop in the Litterbox
Dear Gus the Dog,
We’ve shared many an adventure throughout our time together with the Vickers family, haven’t we? From our comical, yet destructive, backyard chase at the family’s Labor Day picnic to the time we teamed up to turn the family against the Wilbur the gerbil, our relationship has been a tumultuous concoction of periodic rivalry and mutually beneficial teamwork.
No matter where this roller-coaster ride has taken us over the years, however, I have always felt that ours was a relationship secured upon a foundation of mutual respect. That was until I came upon a strange and mysterious pile of shit in my litter box. Shit, I might add, that I know with a certainty was pushed out of your traitorous ass.
Steven Seagal Spends Day Off Teaching Vancouver Residents How to Effortlessly Maim Themselves
Seagal attempts to show a bar patron how to snap his own wrist without spilling his drink.
Vancouver, BC – With his latest action film Fight War on a two-day hiatus as producers attempt to obtain more funding, actor Steven Seagal spent Tuesday teaching unsuspecting Vancouver residents how to bend their arms and legs unnaturally behind their bodies.
Seagal’s unsolicited arm-bending demonstrations — based largely on a series of moves he perfected in his early action films — began when the cult-movie action star engaged local software engineer Bill McCollough outside a local Starbucks.
“I had just picked up an iced coffee when this obese guy with a pony tail grabs my arm and says ‘wanna see something cool?'” said a visibly shaken McCollough, his shirt sleeve covered in blood and bone splinters. “Before I could even answer, my coffee is on the ground and my elbow is touching the back of my neck.”
McDonald’s New Happy Meal to Come with Choice of Over-sized Sweatpants
In an effort to increase lagging sales of their children’s Happy Meal offering, McDonald’s has announced a new promotion offering patrons a pair of youth-sized sweatpants with the purchase of a hamburger, cheeseburger or McNuggets Happy Meal. The Sweatpant Happy Meals will be available at all locations in March 2012 and represent McDonald’s first foray into alternative promotional offerings for their historically popular children’s food offerings.
The fast food giant’s latest initiative comes on the heels of a recent nationwide research project indicating that 7 out of 10 children eating Happy Meals attempted to consume the toy included with the meal, with approximately 45% successfully doing so. Additionally, 52% of all children observed no longer fit into their pants at the conclusion of their meal, forcing a number of parents to fashion make-shift parkas from empty garbage bags provided by restaurant staff.
The Tao of Baseball: One Boy’s Education
I love baseball. You heard me right. I love it. Maybe not as much as I love a fresh vanilla Charleston Chew or a jukebox containing three or more Night Ranger songs, but definitely more than having my testicles lightly seared in canola oil while still encased in my scrotum. Yes, I love baseball way more than that.
It is a game of deeply-rooted traditions, each of which is embraced by players and fans with the same passion today as in years and generations past. Whether it is legging out a triple, turning a crisp 6-4-3 double play, or throwing a full-count breaking ball, baseball is a game of instincts, reaction, and careful decision-making. It is a game that can be mastered equally by the best of athletes and the most well-versed of students. It is, in a word, heaven.
Letter From God To Tim Tebow Regarding Jeremy Lin
Hey Timmy,
Long time no talk. Sorry for not responding to your prayers in a while. It’s been really crazy around here lately. Between this gay marriage debate and getting prepped for Easter, I’ve hardly had any time to myself. I haven’t even had time to pay my bookie for that bet I lost on your last playoff game. (Thanks for that, by the way. JK.)
Seriously, though, I did want to get in touch to let you know about a big change in my life that will undoubtedly affect you. And while it may be difficult for you to understand and accept at first, I think we’ll both be better off in the long run. Regardless, you deserve to hear it from me, not TMZ or ESPN.
Local Skateboarder First to Successfully Perform That Trick That Kinda Looks Like Several Other Tricks
San Bernardino, CA — Local skateboarder Connor “Breakout” Mendelsen shocked a group of onlookers at the East Side Skatepark on Tuesday after successfully completing a trick that looked strikingly similar to three dozen other tricks he performed earlier in the day, but was reportedly way tougher.
Mendelsen, 12, who has been skating at the East Side Skatepark for over six years, had just completed back-to-back pressure flips when he attempted a trick known as a 360 Pop Shuv It. After extending the trick an extra two degrees—a trick Mendelsen termed a “362 Pop Shuv It”—onlooking skaters screamed their approval out loud for nearly 45 seconds, before returning to their purposeless loitering and intense cursing of nearby residents playing tennis.
A Letter From a Two-Year-Old Can of Mixed Vegetables That Has Just Been Passed Over For Dinner Yet Again
Hey Melissa,
Who in the fuck do you think you are? Is it God? Is that who you think you are? Because that’s the only explanation I can think of for why you passed me up in favor of Whole Kernel Sweet Corn as a side dish for your meal tonight.
Now, I’ve got nothing against Whole Kernel Sweet Corn. I’ve spent a few weeks with him in the cupboard, and he seems like a really stand-up guy. Hell, if you add some butter and a little salt to him, I’m sure he’ll keep a big-ass smile on your face long after he has moved into your intestinal tract. What I do have a problem with, however, is the fact that Whole Kernel Sweet Corn has only been in the cupboard for three fucking weeks, while I’ve been languishing amongst the other forgotten canned goods for going on three years.
DoD to Investigate 7-year-old WWII Veteran’s Claim That He Killed Pearl Harbor and Stuff
Washington, DC – Top officials at the Department of Defense announced Monday the launching of an investigation into 7-year-old World War II veteran Andrew Millen’s recent claims that he was responsible for killing Pearl Harbor and dropping an atomic bomb on Hitler.
Millen, who initially revealed his decades-old combat exploits at a Halloween party at Chambers Elementary School in Ogden, North Dakota, has remained stood firmly behind his claims in recent months, despite intense criticism from Pentagon officials, veterans groups, and anti-war activists.
According to the DoD, a number of Millen’s claims first began raising red flags in early November after a YouTube video of the Halloween party went viral. Among those drawing the most skepticism are Millen’s assertions that he downed a German airplane with a “ham grenade” and that he ran over Osama bin Laden with a tank during the Battle of the Bulge.
Stink Whispers 